Today reminded me of this childhood game, the one where you pass the “potato” round the circle because you don’t want to be the one left holding it when the music stops. If you were you were the one out of the game, everyone to yell, “Hot Potatoes!”
No fun to be the one out.
I felt out today, like I didn’t know what to do with what I was left holding.
How I felt, the feelings from an interaction with someone.
I have been holding so many “Hot Potatoes” emotionally this last week that I truly felt I would drop this one.
I cry now just remembering.
How on fire my feelings were, so alive and just here. Learning to sit with them is so hard and yet I so want to grow. I know that I must claim all of me for this to happen, I must take my turn, hold onto all of me no matter how much it sears my heart.
For in the end it cautherizes the wound a bit more. Painful healing that is needed.
Looking back I know things the problem being it is so hard to feel them. I know I wasn’t being reprimanded for failing rather shown an area to grow in.
Thing is knowing and feeling are so far apart sometimes for me.
I know I please this person with my performance yet I feel so like I failed. I know I didn’t, so must put the feeling aside and embrace the facts.
Pointing out areas I can grow in isn’t reprimanding, it is supporting me in growing fuller into my job. Offering advice to how I can handle something better isn’t condemnation to how I have but a sharing of personal lessons that I find my footing better.
I think I dropped this one tonight. Allowed the feelings to win. Cried while acknowledging I was ok. So much questioning of self, fear building that I messed up. Self loathing that I didn’t remember to keep after things for better cleanliness, pity for self followed by anger.
Worth holding onto. One to keep close that the warmth of it remind me that I have come so far, far enough to feel. Just as I have learned to find joy and embrace peace as God intended so I must the glory of what was handed to me of God today.
Allow myself to feel, all emotions, good and bad. Hard or easy, right or wrong.
A Hot Potato, that is my “Potato.”
I am out, out of then and choosing to go away.
I am in though because, of this out.
Out of wrong.