IN THE NOW

I haven’t written in such a long time… I ponder to think about this from time to time. Writing has played such a huge part in my healing. “Why, then do I shie away from it?” I recently asked Papa God. He has been awakening me to why, He is like that, always answering.The question is, am I listening, especially with a willing heart? I realize I haven’t been, the truth scared me.

I wanted to hide, not from the exact why, I didn’t really know that. No, I wanted to hide in general. It’s so much easier than processing. Thing is, that is only true in the short run. In the long one, hiding draws out the healing, freezes me in where I am.

Who was I kidding? Surely not my Abba, He knew right where I was.

Hiding hurts me, as I shut out the penetrating light of His touch. The, “Me first,” winning. Little, tired and fearful me forgetting who I am in Christ. Cowering rather than rising clad in my new self.

No more, I finally said to myself today, no more as I laid upon my bed feeling.

Feeling.

Oh, how I feel these days!

Ripples upon ripples to pass through me…

I lie still in the mornings as they wash over me, I relish them. Memories flood me of the here and now.

I am ok and…. it’s all alright.

So much of my abuse took place where I should have been safe. I am finding that these emotions are arising when I am in those places. Home to awaken peace, my bed welcome.

I realized something last night as I snuggled deep within the comfort of my bed. I have a stuffed lamb that is dear to me, it was gifted to me in the now, and it has helped the wounded little me so much to pull it close. Helped me in the dark of the night to remember that I am now and loved. The other day I found another stuffed animal, an old worn Owl. I smiled when I stumbled upon it, remembering how I bought it for myself the first Valentines Day I was alone after my husband abandoned me. I named him Who, so every time I pulled him close I would remember who I am to Christ, Who I am to others in the present, Who I am now. I placed Who on my Bed beside my Lamb. That night as I crawled into bed and I pulled them both close, I heard Abba say, “Your Past and Present are one, give them to Me, and we shall fuse them together into a glorious future.

This Lent, I offer to my Lord the sacrifice of my past, I offer my vulnerability I feel in writing to Him. I ask Him to use me, my writing, whatever and all I have to offer because of His grace and mercy gifted to me.

I arise now, and step from my hiding

place. Propelled forth of the wind of my

guardian angels wings, into the light and love of His waiting arms.

I now realize that I don’t need to leave His embrace to move forward, He doesn’t send me off on my own, no, He’s got me, tight… and won’t let go.

We journey together, sometimes I am carried, others we to walk hand in hand. No matter what, He is beside me, and I am never ever alone.

Even in my hiding, He sat with me.

Past and Present are together opening a new future.

Healing can only be as effective as the depth of my presence in the now.

 

NEVERLAND

i is stuck in Neverland these days

a place where it feels safe to hide

safe from the big people

secure from problems to big

where one can fly away at whim

laugh and play with abandon

forget

Neverland

but  i know it is not real

rather a trap

a secret room in a game of hide and seek

me searching for me as i hides me

Neverland is more confusing than it is worth

pretending doesn’t make it real

i don’t have pixie dust to fly away from here

to lift me from this trappedness i feel

i scared to fly into the storm that separates

at the swirl of the feelings that sent me here

i find i can’t hide from them no more

i want to go home to me

i want to be brave and tell them to people

leave behind this ghost town of what was

so i need a ride

i never had rides before that i knowed where there

i do now

so to stay is to live a lie

so goodbye Neverland

i am journeying home today

starting even if it takes me awhile

my fairy wings are the back of m guardian Angel

i can even lie there and rest while the storm rages

my angel fights my Captain Hooks for me

i just trust

and believe in my momma Mary and papa God

remember that they want me home

they never ever wanted me to leave

goodnight Neverland

the land i was never meant to live in

home is where i belong

home in Jesus is where i am going.    

 

MISTAKE OR LESSON?

When feelings find me, new ones that I have hidden from to survive, they get under my skin. An emotional “itch” that can so easily turn into more. It feels like it is festering and growing, fed off of fear, as I internally revisit the incident. The end result to be loss of peace as panic attack mode rises.

I don’t like this me.

This morning was/is one of these me kind of days.

I knew I had a meeting that held the potential to make me feel little, all wrapped in fear, the wrong if I do or if I don’t kind.

I rose early, fasting and praying to Abba, that His bravery would be mine. Reminding myself that I am not then, I don’t have to be fearful and that, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 (KJV) 

I prayed that I would love this person, stay objective to what was shared and remember I am loved with the greatest of loves of my Lord.

It worked, no fear, for Abba always keeps His promises, just gotta remember to claim them. He helped me remember.

Thing is, I forgot other feelings. As soon as I felt that I was being misjudged, my words twisted and thrown back at me, I got defensive. Angry too, now that I think about it. I wanted to point my finger at this person and say, “Look in the mirror, how about the way you talk to me?”

But that is not the point, it isn’t what matters, in the end.

No, I must answer for me, not others. I need to work on where I am at fault. That won’t happen if I don’t open my heart to truth.

So, here I am, writing it out to stem the panic. To see with Spiritual eyes rather than human. Eyes on me, not others.              

Judge not that ye be not judged.

I entered this meeting full of judging, attitude wise. So sure of my perfection, not open.

I want to cry just now, I am not liking me, I am ashamed and saddened at my attitude, that my heart, my Abba heart was so un-Christlike.

Can’t stay here though, no, gotta pick myself back up and move on.

Thinking I will let Jesus carry me awhile. I am sad. It is ok to need His help, He wants to help me.

I learned my lesson today.

That is what I am thankful for.

“I am sorry, Abba, forgive me. Help me to do better.”

Amen

Best thing is, He already has, trick being to forgive myself. That can be hard for abuse survivors, especially childhood ones. Hard but not impossible.

So, instead of beating myself up I will praise the Lord for this opportunity to learn and grow. I will find the joy in having moved forward in my healing, one small step at a time is still a step in the right direction.

I choose joy and peace, even as the storm rages.

I choose Jesus.

UNLIKE ANY OTHER

Today was today, so different from any other day i have ever lived

A day that started out right and went wrong, as I found disappointment. Oh, how I found it, or rather it found me. Swallowed me whole is what it did. I felt crumbled inside, like my heart was bleeding out. I couldn’t stop the tears, I tried, oh, how I tried.

I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to truly feel this emotion before. I have spent most of my life disappointed, without even really knowing it.

When I called a friend and shared what happened, with my anger bubbling to the surface, my frustration with the persons I felt caused this let down, she said, “So, the issue is really that you are feeling disappointed.” I argued, “No, I am upset with so and so.”

How wrong I was. Past me wrong. I didn’t see this right away, but as more of my day brought me into this emotion more, I came to realize that she was right.

Disappointment.

So  much of my life has been lived directed by this,

Disappointed as a child that Momma love wasn’t mine

Disappointed that my Daddy didn’t keep me safe, brought me harm

Let down by those that knew and did nothing

I married for all the wrong reasons, which only added to my weight, of this load

Disappointed to not be wanted, seen and claimed.

Do you see what is happening?

My being disappointed led me to accept all as just how it was and to eventually become a burden, one I placed on God

I to be disappointed that He didn’t give me what I wanted-needed and deserved, I was sure.

I begged for all I missed out on, to be mine, now

It didn’t work that way, wouldn’t have been good for me if it had, not the part of me that matters

My soul.

NO, I really have no reason to be disappointed.

As a child, it was ok, as I was being robbed of what a child is to be provided with

But I am not a child anymore. I am growing so much in my Lord, I am more than circumstances and others choices.My days are directed of God, He is in control, thus my disappointments can be used of Him, to His glory, if I open myself to Him.

My friend helped me to see this too, challenging me to give the day to the Lord and thank Him for how it went. I didn’t like that but I found that I couldn’t stop my mind from going over all my past pains so I started reciting the Our Father, and soon I  could move on. I asked the Lord to show me what He would have of me, He told me to walk away. To value myself and forgive.

So, I did.

I took time for me. I asked Him to guide me and open my eyes, soften my heart towards myself and realize that people are people and it wasn’t the end of the world it felt like.

Then, I had a day, unlike any other

I was in the city, Baltimore, and I simply started exploring. Walking the piers and seeing, for the first time ever with eyes that were open to what I would enjoy, to spending time on me, to simply relaxing and taking life in.

Oh, the sights, the wonders I discovered!

I sat eating an ice cream cone as live music was performed, watching an older couple dance together with the slow rthym of knowing each other to a depth that moved me.

I saw people being people, not fearful of what others thought, but being themselves. Feeling free and expressing who they were in their dress and style.

I watched singles sure of being alone, couples linked  and families bonding. I saw so much with my eyes that my heart had missed all these years.

I felt with my body too, the wind as it swirled around me, the scent of the harbor, all the heartbeat of creation

I saw that life is out there, for me too. It may or may not be the life I envision, but life it is.

Waiting for me.

Gifted to me

Mine for the claiming

So, no more wallowing in what isn’t that I wish was

No more trying to lay plans for how I feel my life should go

No

Instead I shall rise each day and wait upon the Lord.

Praise Him  for A day like no other

In the Sun

Through the rain

Amidst storms

And even in disappointment

In the end, all I need, I have

That being, my Jesus ❤

A SHOE KIND OF DAY

“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long.”  Ephesians 6:15-18a (MSG)

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my “shoe issue.” I smile as I type this. Smile because I know many of you are doing just that, thinking, “What shoes?”

Now I am chuckling a bit.

Shoes, they aren’t really my thing. I am more likely to be without than with when it comes to them. Oh, I have lots of them, tucked away in a magnificent antique box that I found, perfect with all its cubbies. Thing is, my shoes spend more time there than on my feet.

I do love some of them, how they are comfortable, I don’t buy them if they aren’t! No high heels for this girl!

I just don’t wear them at times.

How could I revel in the walking through the rain puddles if I did? Feel the texture of the earth beneath my feet? I feel so much with my feet!

Yet, I am learning that there are times for shoelessness and times for wearing them.

After all, going barefoot in the snow, as I have often, isn’t good for my health. Caring for my feet requires shodding them in the heat, guarding them from harm.

So,  shoeless kind of days are less.

Today, Abba, woke me to this about wearing shoes.

But let me start at the beginning.

Yesterday I interacted with someone who put me on edge. The type of individual who raised a red flag for me as a sexual abuse survivor. He made me very uncomfortable as we rode the elevator, I found myself putting objects between us and guarding my answers to his questions.

Protecting myself, that’s what I was doing.                           

Wearing my shoes.

Big Girl shoes.

Safe Girl shoes.

I wore these shoes with confidence.

I felt grounded in my present.

No more barefoot used and tossed away.

No

This is the pair of shoes I found myself wearing yesterday…

Fearless ones.

Beautiful to look upon as they were embellished in Christ like  gemstones

Yet, well made that they not give.

I wasn’t afraid.

That’s big for me. I have had a lot of opportunities to fear these last few months, and I have found myself on the side of that fear way to often.

I have coward and shrunk back, cringed and claimed false blame…

Yesterday was a no more kind of day…

A shoe one.

I am allowed to guard my self,

I am secure in Christ and that means a world of difference, all the difference,

Yet, only if I shod myself in this truth,

I do.

 

With gratitude, in awe, and in praise.

Oh, I shall still enjoy strolling barefoot from time to time, splashing through the puddles..

Smiling as I do so, 

For these feet were made for walking and that’s just what they do!

Only, now they go with truth and love,

Now they walk with God.

Gotta go, it’s raining!

KEEPED

I have a phrase stuck in my heart these days, people keeper. I don’t even really know what it means to me, except it makes me sad in a, “I am not one kind.”

People keep people in lots of ways, I am noticing.

Family, friends, hi and by kind of seeing. Some long lasting, others blowing by like the wind.

I think I am seeing my people around me in a better way when I think people keeper. Am I a keeper for them or should I be less bothersome, ask less and do more my self because i am not theirs to keep me.

Then I feel confused because I know I am someone to them but I don’t know how to balance that someone or something i is.

Feelings are confusing, this i do know. i am so lost in them of late. different kind of lost then i have ever felt before. i wish someone could help me understand.

i have to trust momma mary and Abba to do that. 

What confuses me most is this, i am so full of feeling, it is in me, under the skin there kind of in, but i am not sad or anything like that yet i still wish i could sit with someone. Spend the day sharing space and being able to talk about this.

i have always needed hugs in a craving way but this is different, i don’t want one to feel better or to get attention, like i have often, no i want one to relieve the pressure. When i get one it feels like there is release, but i have to pull back right when it starts or i know i will want to hold to long.

These are lots of feeling and not to be gone in a minute

so, i am confused.

i am 51 in numbers, 100 in feelings never freed and only 12 today in understanding.

yes, i know what that photo up top means, all to well

me.

I am lost in the vastness of me

Having traversed all there is

was

Teetering on the edge

of what

I do not know

for sure

I simply feel

…

This so new to me

I wish to know

How do I circumvent this abyss?

Do I fall over the edge

as I did yesterday?

Is that ok?

To be lost to the point of self

Gibberish the only language found

To flow so easily

To feel right

Even as one doesn’t know what one is saying

…

I fell into this abyss

I stand at its depths looking up

A swirling sea around me

Confusion

Words lost

For letters surround me

Floating

Sinking

Drifting away

…

I struggle to not embrace this end

for that is what it feels like

…

I found my form the other day

Felt the contours of shape

The freedom of thought to give movement

I wondered as a babe must

In the finding of toes

The flutter of eye lashes

Delicately felt upon my palm

I found my creation

…

Now I needs must turn to my Creator

In this my endness

Physical form spent

Emotions lost

Eyes to tear

no matter if I wish otherwise

An undone done

…

So I shall float within this ocean

Resting on my life ring

God

To weary to cling

To spent to move

To done to care

…

I leave the caring to Him

…

I leave the supporting to Him

…

The holding

…

or not

…

for perhaps it is in the sinking that healing will come

…

for these waters are His

…

perhaps there is strength to swim

…

 

in Him

ALIGNING STRENGTHS

“Put your back into it!”

“Foot Forward, be ready!”

Watching your footwork, blocking, parring and rolling along with slipping and countering are all moves studied by boxers.

Moves that help them discover their weaknesses and find their strengths.

Defensive moves to offensive.

Fascinating stuff to read that God is using to teach me too.

I woke this morning with something someone said to me once rolling around in my thoughts, “I need you to align your strengths with the Lord, too, not just your suffering”

I truly had no idea what this meant, read and reread it so many times, asking God  to show me.   

He has and is..    

Today He gave me this vision…

“My Guardian Angel, Angels actually, for I am surrounded of them. How they fight for me. I see them now, in battle, defensive with swift swords and eyes ablaze. They never falling back in fear or doubting the victory will be theirs. The stand tall and true, backs straight and shields ready. Fear does not control them, they know they have the advantage, the power from on high.

Thing is, I see myself as well, and it isn’t a pleasant picture. I am in the center of my defenders, cowering. Down on my knees, head hid as I peek out. I am not viewing my wall of defense as that, rather I shiver, looking for a break to happen. I expect them to fail, am sure that I will be breached.

“You are wrong!”, my Heavenly Warriors shout at me with a mere look.

I cock my head and ponder this, looking down upon me. I see this armor of God I am clad in. It has seemed so heavy that I was unaware of what this new weight was. Not the pain and abuse gone by, as I thought, but my new me clothed to fight. I simply haven’t been putting my back into it, I have been choosing to hide.

“Do it!” the clanging of their swords command.

Uttering a plea, to my Commander and Lord Jesus Christ, for strength, I rise, slowly yet steadily to my full height. I am taller than I  can fathom, the mighty coursing of my blood sounds in my ears with each sure and steady beat of my heart.  It was I, my fear, that was the breach. Victory is what is happening around me. How I long to taste it as well, put an end to fear and doubt, being used and discarded.

My Lord nods at me as He motions to the fray.

A smile plays around the corners of my mouth as I nod back.

I am ready, I have strengths that are more than my weaknesses and an army to fill the gaps as needed. This battle was fought and won. upon Calvary, the blood shed for me then ensures my path onward, upward and forward.

There is no going back unless I choose so.

I don’t, not anymore.      

I kneel, one last time, here amid my Angels. I kneel in surrender and humbleness before my Lord. I bend knee to He who is worthy and gratitude. I kneel with strength and assuredness as He helps me rise and says, “Go forth, Tammy Anne of God, you are mine, freed to win.”

TAKING STOCK

Written this morning on a napkin…

I sit here this morning, out to breakfast                    

alone

simply me hanging with me

finding my quiet inner me

as I soothe my turmoil of late

my roiling, tumultuous emotions

they that have me scattered from the pelting

so unceasing

I sit here to look over self

for the storm has passed

I survey the carnage of me

taking stock

breathing deeply

sighing softly

my body is battered

the visible wreckage

of tear tossing sleepless nights

confused

not understanding

yet

my soul,

oh my soul!

Is so awakened

The Son having risen in anew places

Flooding me at the cresting of the horizons found

A new Sonrise within me

Today I may be tired

Today may even be long

but…

Today will be today           

Nothing more

I will be ok

Because Abba was already

In Today

Yesterday

He has taken stock

And made it all alright

RIP, TEAR, SLASH

 “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

John 8:32King (KJV)

I had someone who is oh so special to me say something to me that I did not like.

I was so hurt by it, couldn’t believe they would think that of me, accuse me of the very opposite of all I felt I had spent my life doing.

I cried to find that I then became angry at them, “How dare they!” I thought.

I so tied up over this one question.

It was ripping me apart. Shredding my self-control as it slashed through my heart.

I just knew ti was eating me from the inside out. Consuming me as it stole my peace, causing me to question my heart, my perception of me, all I have done my whole life.

I wanted to call them back and dum my feelings on them, rant and rave in defense of myself. I wished I was there to shake them good and look them in the eye and say, “What? You don’t know anything! You weren’t there when I was strong and did it all, you didn’t see how much I sacrificed, I did this, I survived that, I sacrificed, I and I and I.”

This is where Papa stopped me. He woke me to hearing myself, noticing all the I’s rattling through my rant.

So I cried it out, poured it forth before the throne instead, while asking, pleading and imploring Abba to tear down my defenses and slash the I from my perspective.

One thing about Abba, He always hears, listens and delivers.

Ripped apart my defenses and let me bare.

Didn’t like this raw view o my heart then.

No, I, most certainly didn’t.

But staying there wasn’t why He woke me to it, isn’t what He wants me to focus on.

Christ went to Calvary to “stare all o sin in the face, held up to tear down. I needed to allow God to do the same with me, for me, in me to all my sin.

Eyes off of self.

I then understood.

I was applying this comment to me in relation to others. I wanted to point my finger, turn these words away from me so I didn’t really need to consider myself in relation to them.

It is oh so easy to look at another’s sins rather than ones own.

God showed me so much because of this

This person is growing in their walk and service with the Lord, so it was a very good call to have them ask me it. They are young and should have done so differently but God will mold them in understanding that.

Just because I fulfilled this very responsibility in the past doesn’t mean I am not failing in it now, so it was right of them to call my attention to it, to help me be aware of this responsibility.

I sat with this feeling, is what I did. Sat with it and ripped it apart, tore it down to its basics and slashed it apart from my heart.

I looked at it with perspective and thankfulness despite how my emotions reacted to it

It was just a statement,

The power o it to lie within me,

Or lack of the power

It is only words, ones that can only break me if I allow them to.

I won’t

Because Abba doesn’t want me to.

He would rather I turn them over to Him

So, I did

Such a load lifted.

He will tell me what I need to glean from them

if anything.

My job is simply to be thankful that this person cared enough to be honest and share truth

Truth isn’t always easy, but it is truth

and…

“Truth sets us free.”