It began with getting dressed this morning. As the weather changes and I find myself aware of the cold as part of my healing I want to dress warmer. Perhaps some long sleeves or maybe even a sweater, I will think. I have some, ones that have caught my eye because they are purple, some because they feel so soft and I imagine how comforting it would feel against me. I get them, but wearing them, that’s a whole nother story.
You see, I panic. Become all frantic and paranoid. Just have to rip them off or I can’t breathe. Then I stand there lost, fighting for control. striving to ground myself to here and now. For to be warm is just one of the many things I was denied for a period of my childhood, that now I struggle to accept. I can know I am cold while convincing my body I am not. Safer to not need and such.
Or so it can seem. But I am healing enough that I know when I am perceiving wrong sometimes, knowing needs to lead to changing. So, today, I spent time with Abba asking Him to help me understand this panic and apprehension. To understand that I may overcome.
He opened my heart to the truth of these feelings. Helped me to fathom that they are being fed of something. One doesn’t just panic unless they are panicking about something. I wondered, why am I apprehensive.?
What is the core reactor issue.
Then I knew. It is fear. Plain and simple. Fear.
This surprised me, I thought I had this fear thing under control. I mean, I don’t run away and hide like I used to. I share with people instead of keeping things bottled up. I trust my Lord, I feel safe in my home, safe in the life God has given me. “How can this be fear,” I thought.
But Abba always bring me to truth, so I needed to stop asking how and denying the fear. I need to turn to my Jesus and give the fear to Him.
I know this won’t be easy, I know I will need help and will have to push myself. Time to thank the Lord for my body and the way He created it, hear and feel what it is telling me. Treat it with love and respect. Dress it warm, even wear shoes more.
Allow my Abba to change my core, to one that learns to love me as my fear is yielded to Him.
His Peace the only kind of core reaction I desire.
This morning does. A simple dream, puzzled together of past and present, like an awakening.
These times are like rising from a fog, limbs heavy with the emotions of the memories as I must choose.
There are forces within, battling, you see. Past and present swirling about, vying for me.
These are the hardest of hard times for me. How I simply want to go back to sleep, to hide in slumber.
Waking is never easy these days.
Grounding myself in the present is what is needed, the only way out.
Abba is always with me, I have all of my heavenly family watching me and drawing me out, I see them and love them, beckoning smiles and arms held open, inviting really. I always look to heaven first, my true home, my heart’s sanctuary. This is my present truth, that which floods me with emotions that are present to drown out past, the angels sing the glory of our Lord, and I can open my eyes.
Yet, humanity is still where I am, thought I would love to sit at Heavens gates all the day, life calls. I am reminded, as I turn to embrace the day that my Abba has purpose for me here, I am honored to fulfill it and serve Him.
How much I am loved and seen and heard.
Heard being the one He is waking me too now, In the telling.
Someone told me a few days ago that I, “Can tell them anything, that they want me to.” How I have sat with these words. Such a flood of emotions flows from my head to my toes as I savor the, I, Tammy, can tell.
In the telling shall be no more secrets… no more hiding… no shame, no matter the horror…
In the telling I can free the nightmares that haunt me, loose the bonds of then… find release
In the telling lies are shattered that the truth of them burst forth, shiny and bright, dispelling darkness.
I feel these words to such a depth, “I can tell.” It is as a vanguard before Satan that shouts, “I am telling! You have no power, for Jesus loves me and has given me someone to tell! Go away, I am washed clean in the blood of Christ, I am innocent. It wasn’t my sin and it won’t become it!”
In this someones listening I am safe, heard and free of blame. I am given understanding and love, seen as a person not an object. I find that I have a voice, my feelings matter, consequences are not the end of the world and won’t bring me harm.
In the telling I feel so shattered sometimes, the gentlest of touches to take me by surprise, voices to reach me in the fog, as I find it clearing.
For In the telling…
I am rising with the Son.
“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”
full of the abuse gone by,
the memories invade me
a stream of visits,
a turnstile of arriving,
past remembering of that
my bed to carry my frame…
imprinted upon it.
for I was no form
rather a mold.
shaped to serve their sinful choices.
there was no me there,
I was strong for I had to be to survive…
I was anger and sorrow intertwined,
filled up of others sin
with wrath at the injustice.
I screamed out, in all the wrong ways.
for I was not heard, not seen, a no one to them.
an object to be forced down,
every part of me ground up.
I hated their faces full of leering and wanting and taking always
telling myself that if I curl up tight,
I can make-believe I am be within a womb
I can pretend tomorrow will be new’
that I am in the womb and will be reborn.
but, it never worked
and his toy.
each day a horror I lived
so I became anger at night
indifference by day
i survived, I did
but now I am weighted with the memories
they are like lead drowning me in my slumber,
crashing into my dreams…
then I can be full of truth instead.
I resist the urge to go to where peace is,
to curl up outside, safe…
to be waken in love and gentleness,
to be found this time,
wanted and soothed.
I am going now, instead, to sit and be in Heaven awhile
she knows and is whispering, “Come.”
she will wrap herself around my nakedness
Abba will stand guard.
I can go home now…
it feels as somewhere I have never been,
that now I am.
and oh, how, precious beyond precious, it is.
When feelings find me, new ones that I have hidden from to survive, they get under my skin. An emotional “itch” that can so easily turn into more. It feels like it is festering and growing, fed off of fear, as I internally revisit the incident. The end result to be loss of peace as panic attack mode rises.
I don’t like this me.
This morning was/is one of these me kind of days.
I knew I had a meeting that held the potential to make me feel little, all wrapped in fear, the wrong if I do or if I don’t kind.
I rose early, fasting and praying to Abba, that His bravery would be mine. Reminding myself that I am not then, I don’t have to be fearful and that, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 (KJV)
It worked, no fear, for Abba always keeps His promises, just gotta remember to claim them. He helped me remember.
Thing is, I forgot other feelings. As soon as I felt that I was being misjudged, my words twisted and thrown back at me, I got defensive. Angry too, now that I think about it. I wanted to point my finger at this person and say, “Look in the mirror, how about the way you talk to me?”
But that is not the point, it isn’t what matters, in the end.
No, I must answer for me, not others. I need to work on where I am at fault. That won’t happen if I don’t open my heart to truth.
Judge not that ye be not judged.
I entered this meeting full of judging, attitude wise. So sure of my perfection, not open.
I want to cry just now, I am not liking me, I am ashamed and saddened at my attitude, that my heart, my Abba heart was so un-Christlike.
Can’t stay here though, no, gotta pick myself back up and move on.
Thinking I will let Jesus carry me awhile. I am sad. It is ok to need His help, He wants to help me.
That is what I am thankful for.
“I am sorry, Abba, forgive me. Help me to do better.”
Best thing is, He already has, trick being to forgive myself. That can be hard for abuse survivors, especially childhood ones. Hard but not impossible.
So, instead of beating myself up I will praise the Lord for this opportunity to learn and grow. I will find the joy in having moved forward in my healing, one small step at a time is still a step in the right direction.
I choose joy and peace, even as the storm rages.
I choose Jesus.
A day that started out right and went wrong, as I found disappointment. Oh, how I found it, or rather it found me. Swallowed me whole is what it did. I felt crumbled inside, like my heart was bleeding out. I couldn’t stop the tears, I tried, oh, how I tried.
I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to truly feel this emotion before. I have spent most of my life disappointed, without even really knowing it.
When I called a friend and shared what happened, with my anger bubbling to the surface, my frustration with the persons I felt caused this let down, she said, “So, the issue is really that you are feeling disappointed.” I argued, “No, I am upset with so and so.”
How wrong I was. Past me wrong. I didn’t see this right away, but as more of my day brought me into this emotion more, I came to realize that she was right.
So much of my life has been lived directed by this,
Disappointed as a child that Momma love wasn’t mine
Disappointed that my Daddy didn’t keep me safe, brought me harm
Let down by those that knew and did nothing
I married for all the wrong reasons, which only added to my weight, of this load
Disappointed to not be wanted, seen and claimed.
Do you see what is happening?
My being disappointed led me to accept all as just how it was and to eventually become a burden, one I placed on God
I to be disappointed that He didn’t give me what I wanted-needed and deserved, I was sure.
I begged for all I missed out on, to be mine, now
It didn’t work that way, wouldn’t have been good for me if it had, not the part of me that matters
NO, I really have no reason to be disappointed.
As a child, it was ok, as I was being robbed of what a child is to be provided with
But I am not a child anymore. I am growing so much in my Lord, I am more than circumstances and others choices.My days are directed of God, He is in control, thus my disappointments can be used of Him, to His glory, if I open myself to Him.
My friend helped me to see this too, challenging me to give the day to the Lord and thank Him for how it went. I didn’t like that but I found that I couldn’t stop my mind from going over all my past pains so I started reciting the Our Father, and soon I could move on. I asked the Lord to show me what He would have of me, He told me to walk away. To value myself and forgive.
So, I did.
I took time for me. I asked Him to guide me and open my eyes, soften my heart towards myself and realize that people are people and it wasn’t the end of the world it felt like.
Then, I had a day, unlike any other
I was in the city, Baltimore, and I simply started exploring. Walking the piers and seeing, for the first time ever with eyes that were open to what I would enjoy, to spending time on me, to simply relaxing and taking life in.
Oh, the sights, the wonders I discovered!
I sat eating an ice cream cone as live music was performed, watching an older couple dance together with the slow rthym of knowing each other to a depth that moved me.
I saw people being people, not fearful of what others thought, but being themselves. Feeling free and expressing who they were in their dress and style.
I watched singles sure of being alone, couples linked and families bonding. I saw so much with my eyes that my heart had missed all these years.
I felt with my body too, the wind as it swirled around me, the scent of the harbor, all the heartbeat of creation
I saw that life is out there, for me too. It may or may not be the life I envision, but life it is.
Waiting for me.
Gifted to me
Mine for the claiming
So, no more wallowing in what isn’t that I wish was
No more trying to lay plans for how I feel my life should go
Instead I shall rise each day and wait upon the Lord.
Praise Him for A day like no other
In the Sun
Through the rain
And even in disappointment
In the end, all I need, I have
That being, my Jesus ❤
“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long.” Ephesians 6:15-18a (MSG)
Anyone who knows me is well aware of my “shoe issue.” I smile as I type this. Smile because I know many of you are doing just that, thinking, “What shoes?”
Now I am chuckling a bit.
Shoes, they aren’t really my thing. I am more likely to be without than with when it comes to them. Oh, I have lots of them, tucked away in a magnificent antique box that I found, perfect with all its cubbies. Thing is, my shoes spend more time there than on my feet.
I do love some of them, how they are comfortable, I don’t buy them if they aren’t! No high heels for this girl!
I just don’t wear them at times.
How could I revel in the walking through the rain puddles if I did? Feel the texture of the earth beneath my feet? I feel so much with my feet!
Yet, I am learning that there are times for shoelessness and times for wearing them.
After all, going barefoot in the snow, as I have often, isn’t good for my health. Caring for my feet requires shodding them in the heat, guarding them from harm.
So, shoeless kind of days are less.
Today, Abba, woke me to this about wearing shoes.
But let me start at the beginning.
Yesterday I interacted with someone who put me on edge. The type of individual who raised a red flag for me as a sexual abuse survivor. He made me very uncomfortable as we rode the elevator, I found myself putting objects between us and guarding my answers to his questions.
Wearing my shoes.
Big Girl shoes.
Safe Girl shoes.
I wore these shoes with confidence.
I felt grounded in my present.
No more barefoot used and tossed away.
This is the pair of shoes I found myself wearing yesterday…
Beautiful to look upon as they were embellished in Christ like gemstones
Yet, well made that they not give.
I wasn’t afraid.
That’s big for me. I have had a lot of opportunities to fear these last few months, and I have found myself on the side of that fear way to often.
I have coward and shrunk back, cringed and claimed false blame…
Yesterday was a no more kind of day…
A shoe one.
I am allowed to guard my self,
Yet, only if I shod myself in this truth,
With gratitude, in awe, and in praise.
Oh, I shall still enjoy strolling barefoot from time to time, splashing through the puddles..
For these feet were made for walking and that’s just what they do!
Only, now they go with truth and love,
Now they walk with God.
Gotta go, it’s raining!
Having traversed all there is
Teetering on the edge
I do not know
I simply feel
I wish to know
How do I circumvent this abyss?
Do I fall over the edge
as I did yesterday?
Is that ok?
To be lost to the point of self
Gibberish the only language found
To flow so easily
To feel right
Even as one doesn’t know what one is saying
I fell into this abyss
I stand at its depths looking up
A swirling sea around me
For letters surround me
I struggle to not embrace this end
for that is what it feels like
Felt the contours of shape
The freedom of thought to give movement
I wondered as a babe must
In the finding of toes
The flutter of eye lashes
Delicately felt upon my palm
I found my creation
In this my endness
Physical form spent
Eyes to tear
no matter if I wish otherwise
An undone done
Resting on my life ring
To weary to cling
To spent to move
To done to care
I leave the caring to Him
I leave the supporting to Him
for these waters are His
perhaps there is strength to swim
I spent part of my morning just now scrolling through the link to a church I used to attend, one I left under duress. I thought that I would like to visit there, just show up out of the blue.
No reason, just because.
Or, so, I thought.
But, Abba, is showing me there was reason.
No, it’s not wrong to want to see old friends, to visit and remember, as long as it’s for the right reasons.
No, I want a soft place to fall toady.
I am ashamed to think that I would sacrifice my Communion time with my Lord, in my Home He has me in here, for this. For arms of old and love gone by rather to be desired more than Mass, more than the gift that the Eucharist is to me.
But, I do.
I want to belong in the way that I have belonged for long. Old connections, remember this and how about when we did that, kind of way.
A soft place to fall, this is the way a blogger describes her home for taking in unwanted, abused children. That the battle still rages for them but bringing them into their home gives them a soft place to fall.
Abuse never gives a soft landing, healing doesn’t much either most of the time.
I fall on face, flat and hard so often
Did lots this last few weeks.
I feel bruised and beaten, weary and worn, I won’t lie.
I am tired
I want to go home
I want daddy to make it all alright and momma to hold me
I want to fall and give up standing
I want to yield
Point fingers at those in the past, “You left me, after promising to help me.”
Thing is, that is all the pain talking, the loneliness seeping out and the past feeding now
So, I won’t visit these friends today, that would just be a band-aid
Instead, I will heed my best Friends call,
“Are you tired? Worn out? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Matt 11: 28-30 MSG
My Jesus call.
I will come to Him, fall into His gift of the Eucharist, of His life for mine.
I will see Him upon the cross and know, He too desired, then and there, to go Home to Heaven
To fall into the arms of the angels right off that cross rather than bear it,
He didn’t yield and neither shall I, because of Him.
Momma Mary, she took Him off that cross so lovingly, gently and full of sorrow for all He endured.
She will hold me too, today, if I just ask and let her.
So, I will visit my friends, sometime, but when I can with a right heart.
Simply as friends.
Now, I must go and sit awhile with my Papa, God, that my heart be right when I go to Mass soon.
Home there, to Him, His presence and keeping, His arms sufficient, my present home the one He is building.
I am home, always, everywhere, with my God.
I fall into Him alone.
In His mercy and grace He always to catch me.
“Greater is He who is in you (me) than he (Satan’s tool, false belonging) who is in the world.” I John 4:4 KJV
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:32King (KJV)
I had someone who is oh so special to me say something to me that I did not like.
I was so hurt by it, couldn’t believe they would think that of me, accuse me of the very opposite of all I felt I had spent my life doing.
I cried to find that I then became angry at them, “How dare they!” I thought.
I so tied up over this one question.
It was ripping me apart. Shredding my self-control as it slashed through my heart.
I just knew ti was eating me from the inside out. Consuming me as it stole my peace, causing me to question my heart, my perception of me, all I have done my whole life.
I wanted to call them back and dum my feelings on them, rant and rave in defense of myself. I wished I was there to shake them good and look them in the eye and say, “What? You don’t know anything! You weren’t there when I was strong and did it all, you didn’t see how much I sacrificed, I did this, I survived that, I sacrificed, I and I and I.”
This is where Papa stopped me. He woke me to hearing myself, noticing all the I’s rattling through my rant.
So I cried it out, poured it forth before the throne instead, while asking, pleading and imploring Abba to tear down my defenses and slash the I from my perspective.
One thing about Abba, He always hears, listens and delivers.
Ripped apart my defenses and let me bare.
Didn’t like this raw view o my heart then.
No, I, most certainly didn’t.
But staying there wasn’t why He woke me to it, isn’t what He wants me to focus on.
Christ went to Calvary to “stare all o sin in the face, held up to tear down. I needed to allow God to do the same with me, for me, in me to all my sin.
Eyes off of self.
I then understood.
I was applying this comment to me in relation to others. I wanted to point my finger, turn these words away from me so I didn’t really need to consider myself in relation to them.
It is oh so easy to look at another’s sins rather than ones own.
God showed me so much because of this
This person is growing in their walk and service with the Lord, so it was a very good call to have them ask me it. They are young and should have done so differently but God will mold them in understanding that.
Just because I fulfilled this very responsibility in the past doesn’t mean I am not failing in it now, so it was right of them to call my attention to it, to help me be aware of this responsibility.
I sat with this feeling, is what I did. Sat with it and ripped it apart, tore it down to its basics and slashed it apart from my heart.
I looked at it with perspective and thankfulness despite how my emotions reacted to it
It was just a statement,
The power o it to lie within me,
Or lack of the power
It is only words, ones that can only break me if I allow them to.
Because Abba doesn’t want me to.
He would rather I turn them over to Him
So, I did
Such a load lifted.
He will tell me what I need to glean from them
My job is simply to be thankful that this person cared enough to be honest and share truth
Truth isn’t always easy, but it is truth
“Truth sets us free.”