APPLYING GOD’S TRUTH TO OUR EMOTIONS

INTRODUCTION

This book is a result of my own journey of healing from severe childhood abuse. So much of this process involved facing truth – hard truth wrapped in emotions that seemed sometimes to consume me. Feelings that I was not allowed to show or given the opportunity to experience as that child were suddenly mine, and oh how they overwhelmed me. It was only as I stayed in God that I was able to endure – for He was my strength, “And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9a (King James Version)

I learned that to truly embrace God was not possible without facing how my abuse had shaped me. A willingness to open myself to the vastness of His presence, as it took me deep into truth – His truth. For God’s truth purifies in its extraordinary richness and penetrating honesty. The kind of truth that released me as He made of me what He would.

Things worth having never come cheap- so it is with healing from abuse. Much will be asked of us, or so it will seem in our humanness, our desire to not yield ourselves fully. We will need to choose to stay no matter how hard, to see our trials for the gateway they are to the better things God has in store for us.

Our Lord has lovingly promised that, “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 (King James Version) Set no time limit to your healing outside of what He has planned. For some of us it may go quicker than for others – just remember this truth from our Father’s Word, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (King James Version)

Stick around and read my blogs as you let the journey begin. It won’t be easy – it won’t be without tears and pain or remembered losses – but it will be gloriously rewarding beyond imagination. You will find joy, peace and hope – finally. You won’t be alone either; God is with you every step of the way.

All is well while you rest in His mighty hands.

In His love,  Tammy

P.S.  Since this is a book in blog form… new readers may wish to start at the bottom of the blog to follow it in order!

LOST AT SEA

 

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I seem lost on the vast see of self.

Wave tossed of my emotions.

Floundering in the tears of what is gone.

Drowning

Or so it seems at first.

I am finding emotions are not as much to be feared as I thought, or think. For as I allow myself to feel them, in all their tears and turmoil, they finish.

Sated at least for a while.

My ocean of tears to calm, even me in a sense.

The losses to settle at least til the next storm arises.

mother-daughter-holding-hands-4810064Sometimes the sorrow is gentle waves of smiling remembrances of what is gone.

The beauty of smiles sent my way, simply sitting side by side.

Holding hands while praying and perhaps finding a hug is mine this day.

My tears mixed,

Part of what was given to help me process the loss of what was never there.

A gifted having now to heal  the child’s missed out.

So I am thankful for these feelings,

Grateful for my lossbd5bf8a378cdb685f9a6c1997c4a20b8

As it serves it’s purpose

Finding I am not drowning.

Floundering yes,

But it’s OK

Cause as always

My Abba is here

Keeping me afloat

My life-ring of love.

SURVIVING TO THRIVING

Mental-Health

I have been on a journey these last few months, one of learning that I am more of my then.

In the beginning it was all about recognizing that I had been a victim. Accepting the truth of what I had lived so that I could then move beyond it.

Transition from then to now.

From Victim to Survivor.

And I did.

Mostly.

Sometimes as I reread my writings I realize I was still floundering in the victim mode. For in yearning for what I missed I was in my past, in the then of the happenings.

The now is be a survivor.

Yet…

God is showing me He has so much more in store for me.

He wants me to Thrive                 .download

To grow and live in the now

Of a future

Not the now of being no more a victim, no more abused

Rather,

The now of being me.

His daughter

His new creation

The Tammy I am

My past is a part of me, no denying that

But

My past is not me

Not the definition of who I am and who I am becoming.

As a friend told me once, “Think of a tapestry, we don’t look closely at it noticing each thread and knot in it, rather we take in the whole seeing the beauty of its design and finish. So it is with us in God’s design. While our past is a part of us, it isn’t what defines us… the happenings come together to create the whole of who we are, showcasing the beauty of God’s healing handiwork.”

This was such a “Wow!” moment for me

Such an awakening.

So I am endeavoring to live in the now of my thriving

In the now of the beauty of the me of God

This blog page has been such a healing to me. My writings to be wings of release and freedom

But now…

I must move on.

To bigger and better things…

To Thriving.

I shall perhaps someday, with God’s prompting, pen another blog. Should that day come I will pop back here and share where to find me.

For now, I leave this one as is to bless those that are on the beginning of their journeys.

Go with God, each of you

With my prayers that you too

Become His tapestry

As you thrive!2019-thriveher-surviving-thriving-domestic-violen-50

MEMORIES OF MEMORIES UNHAD

I wonder, often wonder, just how it would be…

to sit in silence

held by someone who wanted to hold me

Not just a hug in passing

but a holding unto enough

one where I would be the one to end it

because the emotions have been sated

Is it as glorious as it seems to be to rest ones head upon a shoulder while arms are wrapped around you and you are free to simply relax in that hold?

Does peace find you for the emotional need that is confounding you and driving you to those arms?

Will those hands feels as soothing upon your head as they seem they will?

Can one truly and so freely relax with another person and be at ease?

Is there still such for me?

Does the possibility even exist that someday, somehow I will be loved like this?

In gentleness and acceptance?

In it’s ok, I’ve got you?

In you don’t need words because I understand?

In you are loved just for you?

I think not even as I hope so.

I am lost these days. Adrift upon the seas of my years alone. Remembering the life rings thrown to me that have keep me afloat, finding the memories don’t sustain me like they used to. The longing for belonging here and now fed of the missing out my life has been.

The tears to cause the waters to rise that i am sinking.

For I am finding the lost child me so much of late.

Seeing the discarded me my Mother so easily tossed aside while choosing my brother. Feeling the lost emotions of that held as she watched her sibling is fed and held, played with and smiled upon, remembered while she was forgotten. I to sit alone and with naught but myself in my playpen while he was held, snuggled and fed. Spoken too and soothed, wanted.

I a discarded rag doll of a child.

Never to experience what all children need

And now it is too late, for I am grown

Grown

I married for all the wrong reasons, in a quest to fill this void.

To enter another void

As I flounder upon a new sea

Just as vast as my childhood one

Again to drown in not knowing

Holding

Belonging

Wantedness

Safety

Love

Rather to have my needs ignored

My wants laughed at

Longings belittled

Love withheld

Again

I wonder sometimes why it seems I am was so hard to love by the very humans whose purpose in life was to love me?

Was I flawed?

Was it something I did?

For all I can remember doing is loving them even in all of this.

Being willing to turn a blind eye and forgive if I would just be seen

Even, oh, just once.

One time to be safe in arms

To feel no fear in walking hand in hand

My heart free to love

Without being rejected

Or told my love was not wanted

What is it like to love as freely as I yearn to?

Love without fear of rejection?

Of loving too much?

I yearn to love here and now

To experience physically what I do spiritually

For the love of God of me encompasses and holds me so strongly

As my spirit rests in Him

But I seem to be failing at allowing His love to be my enough physically

You-Can-Command-Angels-to-Help-You-FB

I am lost upon the sea of my memories of memories I don’t have

www-St-Takla-org--14-He-shall-give-His-angels-charge-over-youImploring my angels to hold me

Their feathers so soft upon my skin

That it be my holding

unto enough

now for then

now for now

 

 

 

 

TWINEDS UNTWINING

FZGXMFAHJKBV6SW.LARGEBody

Soul

Spirit

My three twined

My Body to remember wrong so strongly, wrong done to me in the flesh that wants me to feel as though it is happening now.

Body Memories

59064506_10155819479081735_6661756711482687488_nMy Soul to cry out against it, yearning to be done with them

Finished

My Spirit

Reaching to the heavens imploring my Abba to send His to cleanse my body of them

Redeem it

How my twined has been untwining

How hard this has been for me

How long this part of the healing journey

58708020_2753464251347025_4280256509025189888_nI have felt so overwhelmed at times

Weary

Tired

Done

Twined in giving up

Twisted in upon myself

Overwhelmed

Unto giving up

Yet…

My God wouldn’t let me

Wouldn’t let me forget that He is here by sitting with me in all of this

By using even this to bring me out on the other side

Truths side

His side

Loves side

I had a panic attack the other morning, a full blown one, but different

I wasn’t lost in fear and then

No

It was now that overwhelmed me

cda87556b4d4f56cef05290012f41878Now with my God

Now with His love

Sweetly and wholly Now

Not just my heart to feel His love, but all of my me

My body tingling from head to toe with the feeling of love as I was gifted with experiencing what true physical love is.

Not abuse and using but gentleness and holding.

I feel as though I am not making sense, as though this is beyond me to explain, but I smile because that is ok.

I was and am lost in love.

Head over heels in love with loving my God

and..

His loving me

I John 4:8a                                                                                                                                                “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us”

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WHAM BAM

49813272_358581258264902_8257123924194623488_nKindness can so hit me out of no where sometimes, just a wham bam here I am, that takes me by surprise. Oft times I miss it and only realize it was given after the fact. The words especially to cause me to look back and think, “I should have said thank you, that was a compliment.”

Even after all these years of so many sweet people blessing and loving me I still am swept away by the fact that others actually see me, hear me and care.

Me, who am just me.

I am learning though, God is making me more aware. Oft times the simplest act to bring tears of wow and wonderment.

How much abuse affects a child.

Sometimes the silent abuse, the not encouraging them, thanking them, telling them how much they are loved and appreciated. The times when their whole life they felt unnoticed because they were til they learned to not see themselves.

To not feel themselves.49774179_358580001598361_499698446794489856_n

To not think or move.

To not be.

Hidden so safe.

This was me, this is still me sometimes.

But….

God is showing me this is not the me He created.

He sees me, hears me, loves me…

So do His people.

Kindness’ that are Him through them.

Kindness’ that are mine to claim.

Here and Now…

50080998_358580104931684_3254278183100350464_n

For I am seen…

I am heard…

I am valued…

I am appreciated…

I am someone.

I always was someone.

NOT YOU, JUST….

originalNot you, just your brother….
 
One of the arrows of my childhood that pierced my heart. My mother to proclaim this to me, over and over, day after day in all the moments of me existence.
 
He to be seen, held and loved while I was left in the background. Pushed aside to be remembered only in the abusing. To be spoken to only in anger and loathing. Never, ever wanted.
 
This arrow became me.
 
Became what I expected from life. Defined my perception, whether it was true or not for many a situation.
 
Sometimes it was and oft-times it wasn’t
 
Not you, just your friend….
Not you, just someone else….
Not you, just….
 
Someone to say just this to me while I was on my healing journey. Someone who was a Mother figure to me. How this tore me open all anew.
 
It took me years to forgive this person. To still the anger and hurt child within who was screaming, “Why not me?! Why am I not important enough or good enough? What not me when I love you so much? Why did you lie to me and say me, then say, not me? Why, why, why?” To realize that the real anger and pain was because of my real mom.
 
In the end God has shown me this….
 
He never said not me.
 
Always to say, “Yes, you.”
 
Yes me, even when I was lost in the wanting to belong to someone.
 
The lost little me so wanting my mama’s love…
The desperate young woman me wanting anyone’s love….
The forgotten wife me wanting to be seen and held….
The floundering mother me wanting love so much I hid in my children….
The healing me wanting all I missed out on as a child….
 
Always the me looking to people, when all along the most important person had me.
 
The lost little me, held in my Mother Mary’s heart and embrace….
The desperate young women, me, loved of all the Saints of Heaven….
The forgotten wife me, seen of my Guardian Angel and held in the embrace of all the hosts of Heaven….
The floundering mother me loved so much of my Jesus that He died for me, died to rise again….
The healing me being given all I missed out on as a child in the gentle, healing and loving touch of my God.
 
Yes, me, gifted with the Holy Spirit that I am never alone.57597560_10218261250304784_5077284061274177536_n
 
Yes, me who is just me….
In all my sins and failures…
In all my wants and give mes….
In all my humanity.
 
Yes, you, my God has said….
Yes, you, I died for….
Yes, you, I rose for….
Yes, you, I love.
 
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This Easter I shout out to my God, my Lord and Savior, my Jesus….
 
“Yes, you are my enough!”
He to tell me, “It is finished and I have just begun!”

Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.”

I John 2:8 KJV