APPLYING GOD’S TRUTH TO OUR EMOTIONS

INTRODUCTION

This book is a result of my own journey of healing from severe childhood abuse. So much of this process involved facing truth – hard truth wrapped in emotions that seemed sometimes to consume me. Feelings that I was not allowed to show or given the opportunity to experience as that child were suddenly mine, and oh how they overwhelmed me. It was only as I stayed in God that I was able to endure – for He was my strength, “And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9a (King James Version)

I learned that to truly embrace God was not possible without facing how my abuse had shaped me. A willingness to open myself to the vastness of His presence, as it took me deep into truth – His truth. For God’s truth purifies in its extraordinary richness and penetrating honesty. The kind of truth that released me as He made of me what He would.

Things worth having never come cheap- so it is with healing from abuse. Much will be asked of us, or so it will seem in our humanness, our desire to not yield ourselves fully. We will need to choose to stay no matter how hard, to see our trials for the gateway they are to the better things God has in store for us.

Our Lord has lovingly promised that, “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 (King James Version) Set no time limit to your healing outside of what He has planned. For some of us it may go quicker than for others – just remember this truth from our Father’s Word, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (King James Version)

Stick around and read my blogs as you let the journey begin. It won’t be easy – it won’t be without tears and pain or remembered losses – but it will be gloriously rewarding beyond imagination. You will find joy, peace and hope – finally. You won’t be alone either; God is with you every step of the way.

All is well while you rest in His mighty hands.

In His love,  Tammy

P.S.  Since this is a book in blog form… new readers may wish to start at the bottom of the blog to follow it in order!

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TWINEDS UNTWINING

FZGXMFAHJKBV6SW.LARGEBody

Soul

Spirit

My three twined

My Body to remember wrong so strongly, wrong done to me in the flesh that wants me to feel as though it is happening now.

Body Memories

59064506_10155819479081735_6661756711482687488_nMy Soul to cry out against it, yearning to be done with them

Finished

My Spirit

Reaching to the heavens imploring my Abba to send His to cleanse my body of them

Redeem it

How my twined has been untwining

How hard this has been for me

How long this part of the healing journey

58708020_2753464251347025_4280256509025189888_nI have felt so overwhelmed at times

Weary

Tired

Done

Twined in giving up

Twisted in upon myself

Overwhelmed

Unto giving up

Yet…

My God wouldn’t let me

Wouldn’t let me forget that He is here by sitting with me in all of this

By using even this to bring me out on the other side

Truths side

His side

Loves side

I had a panic attack the other morning, a full blown one, but different

I wasn’t lost in fear and then

No

It was now that overwhelmed me

cda87556b4d4f56cef05290012f41878Now with my God

Now with His love

Sweetly and wholly Now

Not just my heart to feel His love, but all of my me

My body tingling from head to toe with the feeling of love as I was gifted with experiencing what true physical love is.

Not abuse and using but gentleness and holding.

I feel as though I am not making sense, as though this is beyond me to explain, but I smile because that is ok.

I was and am lost in love.

Head over heels in love with loving my God

and..

His loving me

I John 4:8a                                                                                                                                                “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us”

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WHAM BAM

49813272_358581258264902_8257123924194623488_nKindness can so hit me out of no where sometimes, just a wham bam here I am, that takes me by surprise. Oft times I miss it and only realize it was given after the fact. The words especially to cause me to look back and think, “I should have said thank you, that was a compliment.”

Even after all these years of so many sweet people blessing and loving me I still am swept away by the fact that others actually see me, hear me and care.

Me, who am just me.

I am learning though, God is making me more aware. Oft times the simplest act to bring tears of wow and wonderment.

How much abuse affects a child.

Sometimes the silent abuse, the not encouraging them, thanking them, telling them how much they are loved and appreciated. The times when their whole life they felt unnoticed because they were til they learned to not see themselves.

To not feel themselves.49774179_358580001598361_499698446794489856_n

To not think or move.

To not be.

Hidden so safe.

This was me, this is still me sometimes.

But….

God is showing me this is not the me He created.

He sees me, hears me, loves me…

So do His people.

Kindness’ that are Him through them.

Kindness’ that are mine to claim.

Here and Now…

50080998_358580104931684_3254278183100350464_n

For I am seen…

I am heard…

I am valued…

I am appreciated…

I am someone.

I always was someone.

NOT YOU, JUST….

originalNot you, just your brother….
 
One of the arrows of my childhood that pierced my heart. My mother to proclaim this to me, over and over, day after day in all the moments of me existence.
 
He to be seen, held and loved while I was left in the background. Pushed aside to be remembered only in the abusing. To be spoken to only in anger and loathing. Never, ever wanted.
 
This arrow became me.
 
Became what I expected from life. Defined my perception, whether it was true or not for many a situation.
 
Sometimes it was and oft-times it wasn’t
 
Not you, just your friend….
Not you, just someone else….
Not you, just….
 
Someone to say just this to me while I was on my healing journey. Someone who was a Mother figure to me. How this tore me open all anew.
 
It took me years to forgive this person. To still the anger and hurt child within who was screaming, “Why not me?! Why am I not important enough or good enough? What not me when I love you so much? Why did you lie to me and say me, then say, not me? Why, why, why?” To realize that the real anger and pain was because of my real mom.
 
In the end God has shown me this….
 
He never said not me.
 
Always to say, “Yes, you.”
 
Yes me, even when I was lost in the wanting to belong to someone.
 
The lost little me so wanting my mama’s love…
The desperate young woman me wanting anyone’s love….
The forgotten wife me wanting to be seen and held….
The floundering mother me wanting love so much I hid in my children….
The healing me wanting all I missed out on as a child….
 
Always the me looking to people, when all along the most important person had me.
 
The lost little me, held in my Mother Mary’s heart and embrace….
The desperate young women, me, loved of all the Saints of Heaven….
The forgotten wife me, seen of my Guardian Angel and held in the embrace of all the hosts of Heaven….
The floundering mother me loved so much of my Jesus that He died for me, died to rise again….
The healing me being given all I missed out on as a child in the gentle, healing and loving touch of my God.
 
Yes, me, gifted with the Holy Spirit that I am never alone.57597560_10218261250304784_5077284061274177536_n
 
Yes, me who is just me….
In all my sins and failures…
In all my wants and give mes….
In all my humanity.
 
Yes, you, my God has said….
Yes, you, I died for….
Yes, you, I rose for….
Yes, you, I love.
 
57504873_2387694361268975_5337835842809364480_n
This Easter I shout out to my God, my Lord and Savior, my Jesus….
 
“Yes, you are my enough!”
He to tell me, “It is finished and I have just begun!”

Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.”

I John 2:8 KJV

 
 
 
 
 

CASCADING

Handful_of_Water_-_Kolkata_2011-03-16_2001It began as a trickle…

from the inside of me to the outside.

An awakening of newness.

I watched in wonder as a Mother held her daughter, both grown women.

Held her close, as they prayed together and sat in adoration of their Lord’s sacrifice.

I watched as the daughter wept in her Mother’s arms.

Wept and was comforted.

I watched in wonder.

You see, for me, these acts can so amaze me. Cause me to stop and ponder them as I wonder what it would be like to have such? To feel arms about you whenever you long for them, arms from someone who want’s to share theirs in gentleness, togetherness, understanding or even just because they can.

I watch in awe at the ease with which this is shared.

I watch in longing, I cannot deny it.

I wonder sometimes as I am holding my granddaughter close, as my love for her wells up and out, overflowing… what if I was the one receiving this hold. Would it feel different from the other side of it. Is the being comforted as amazing as the giving comfort?

Is the loving physical touch I was denied as a child and wife all it feels it is?

I watched in wonder and took that wonder to my Lord.

I laid myself bare before Him and asked Him to hold me. To take this watching in wonder that is a deep longing and help me to find solace in Him. To please give me a miracle to find what was lost.

To know my Momma’s love.

The love I never had, the love that all children need, the love the part of my heart that is still so small in it’s hurting.

I left this prayer with my Momma Mary, asking her intervention as well, as I said my evening prayers and anointed myself with Holy Water before bed. Then I rose from my prayer bench, slipped into my bed, enfolded in my Guardian Angels wings.

To sleep a deep slumber.

To sleep physically as Abba, God worked His miracle.

He oft comes to me in my dreams, bringing healing that He works through the Holy Spirit.

In the dream I was with a friend who is very dear to me. I asked this friend, please can you just hold me for awhile. Can I feel your arms in more than a quickness to be gone, I need a time of holding. She to smile, as she ever so gently gave me just that.

Her shoulder cushioned my head, her arms encompassing me as her hands comforted. I was aware of her heart beat, slow and steady, peaceful. I let the tears flow as the emotions seemed to ripple up and up and up, but out too. Not caught in me in a swirling cycle as they usually are.

I felt peace.

I found the wonder I watched was mine to experience.

I found an end to my wondering.

I found a cascade of knowing.download

Then I spoke, “Thank you, Momma.”

But I was ashamed I had said that because I knew this was my friend, not my Momma. I was so sorry for allowing my heart this confusion. I was afraid my words would turn my friend from me. I felt I had failed somehow.

But then, I dared to pull back and look at my friend, to apologize for my misplaced emotion.

I looked in wonder.

For my friend was not holding me.

No, it was my Momma.images

The forgiving her of the abuse and neglect having come full circle.

I having found my Mother’s love.

I slept in wonder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now is the time…

whispers of God

Abba has been speaking so loudly to me these last days.

What began as a quiet urging of my inner me to spend more time with Him, to come back to my First Love has blossomed to a return to soaking myself in His Word and presence, oh so deeply. He reminded me of the hand of hope He was in the beginning of this, my journey of healing.

Times when I would steal alone awhile, in the early morning hours, to my church to sit before the stain glass window and bare my soul to Him as the sun rose. How I felt it to the depth of my soul even as the splendor of the sunrise illuminated the window so did the Son my soul.

The ecstasy of my relationship with my Lord and Savior then….

One I desired again, now.

Where had it gone? Nowhere, for Abba didn’t step away from me, I had from Him. From keeping Him foremost each and every day.

I bow my head in shame even as I lift it in gratitude.hands-up-silhouette-17

I am so thankful that our God pursues us. I am overwhelmed at the depth of His grace and mercy. I am awestruck that He loves me so much that He pursued me, yet again. Held out His hand that we walk not just side by side, but hand in hand as one.

He is my hand of hope always, not just then, I was the one to let go. To run off on my own content with glimpses of Him in the far off. To miss out on so much in so doing!

Abba is such a loving Father, I wasn’t the one keeping my eye on Him like I thought. He was the one watching me, ensuring I didn’t get lost, allowing me to wander in my freedom of choice even as He yearned to hold me close.

To guide me forward.

Now is the time He is telling me.

12079190_10153735070849273_3245595568479282486_n

Time to move on, to the Woman of God His transforming power has and is making of me. To free my inner child to grow, to turn from the past to now.

So, here I am, in the present.

The festering of abuses wounds purified, that only the scars remain, a visible sign of triumph over evil.

Ready, willing, and able by the power of God…

to go where He would have me to go…

to say what He would have me to say…

to be all He would have me to be.

Ephesians 2:8-10 

“Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.”

The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Mine

downloadRecently I was blessed to hear Jim Woodford speak, author of “Heaven.” It was a moving experience for me, one that touched my spirit deeply.

That which impacted me the most was the description of the Angels. They of mighty stature and the purest violet eyes one can imagine, and then some.

He shared how they are with us always, from our first moment of formation til our last breath. The awe of this fact fills me even now.

With me always.

My Guardians of God, sent to protect, guide and comfort me.

3683c33b1a4fa5287901bdb30074d2ff--trash-day-heavy-metalEven then, in my can.

My can. This is how I think of my times tossed away into the trash, literally, by my Mother,for “allowing” my Father’s abuse.

My can.

Except now, God has used the vision of Heaven he gave to this author to comfort me in the now as the then is healed even more.

 

You see, I have often wondered at the fact that, though I remember the feeling of abandonment I felt those long nights, I have no memories of fear or loneliness.

3c011338ee8977b17c76e0429404c276--angel-s-angel-wingsI understand now… it was my Angels who sat with me. Who wrapped their wings around me, miraculously to fit within with me. They stood guard over me that no harm come to me, shielded me from the hot and the cold, loved me in my abandonment.

As God is waking me to this truth of those times, He is also showing me this…

It isn’t my can, it never was.

d1d133ab63fbb2f7101c67be51ecf705--angel-s-angel-wingsI was placed in the trash, discarded, tossed away, but it wasn’t my can.

I can release this time of abuse, for it was never mine.

I didn’t ask for it, as I was told.

I didn’t deserve it, as I was told.

I didn’t belong in the trash.

It wasn’t my can then…

And…

It isn’t my can now!

 

 

Who am I?

th

I have been gone for so long, gone from writing, from sitting with me and letting the words escape, releasing me from then.

From them.

From all that is gone.

I found writing therapeutic, yet, find myself shying from it so often.

I think it’s fear.

Been a good bit of that of late.

Not a right in my face kind, no, more of a sneaking up on me one. I find that I have been feeling it without knowing that I have.

Yeah, that’s one of my big issues, naming emotions, I mean, it was best as a child to hide from them.

So, this fear… it’s more of a quiet uncertainty I carry around. I am not even sure fear is what it is. I just know that I am unsure of myself, afraid that I am wrong in my thoughts or actions. Or that if I am not wrong I may still be perceived wrong.

I wonder at times if I am good at things I think I am.

Like at choir practice, I couldn’t bring myself to sing out, so sure that I must sound awful, off-key, a nuisance to those who can hear me. Yet, I have been told, by the choir director, that I sing well. I mean she wouldn’t have asked me to join if she didn’t think so, so why do I doubt her and myself?

I was asked to apply to a position as a bookkeeper recently, and even though I took the test to show my qualifications, I still was so afraid to say yes. What if I can’t do that I thought? Yet, I have been doing just that for the last 5 years for my previous employer, and doing it well.

Sigh…

So I am asking God, to please fill me with His confidence. To remind myself that He has faith in me, so should I. Faith in the gifts and abilities He has gifted me with, faith that He will enable me and walk with me.

thXDMU026V   Faith that I am the me He wants me to be.