THIS WORD CALLED NO

This word called No

I have been pondering this word of late

How it impacts ones life

HowI have been unaware of it’s availability to me even as I have been using it

I never realized it was mine to claim

No was what I lived in the past abuse

No you don’t matter

No you can’t have an opinion

No, your voice isn’t yours

No, No, No…

A litany that taught me to not see me.

No

A word I simply removed from my vocabulary

Or so I thought when someone shared with me recently that I can say no

I am awakening to the truth that I have been saying no to myself about myself 

No to all the good and right that is mine to claim for me

No was the mantra thrown at me for so many years that it become the cloak I wear

I to unconsciously say no to me in the same way

To unawares be saying no to all that is good for me

Having been trained that I am not worth the effort or time

Existing in the spoken and unspoken wounds of then

That they fester and eat at my now

I say now, No more

God is moving me to step out of this perception

To see No as His word to me as He teaches me to use it right

To speak it to myself as I use it to find me

No, to unhealthy choices

No, as a part of boundaries

No, not in a selfish way but in an honoring the me He created one

I am learning to balance the teeter totter of yes and no

Sit with the Holy Spirit that I learn to pause and consider

Consider me

How knew this is

Is this good for me?

Does God want me to do this?

Am I using my time wisely?

Yes or no a decision, a choice and one I am free to make

It feels like I am awakening to the very colors of my existence as….

I chose Yes, Lord….

Teach me of No. 

BRANCHING

I feel so like an owlet these days, one that loves to snuggle down within the nest, safe and secure- to stay unaware of the bigger world without. Wait there for my feedings as I expectantly watch for my parents, not a care in the world. Such is the life of a “nestling,” such has been my life as part of my journey of healing. God has provided me with a “nest” within His church, fed me with truth from “my parents” through His body of believers. I have been kept safe and secure, loved and sheltered as I was allowed to grow.

And grow I have… for my Lord in His love and mercy has opened my eyes to who I am in Him. He has shown me that the truth of my childhood abuse does not define me; it is my “history” while not being me. I have been bathed in the waters of His grace time after time, washed of the horror of the memories as He has cleansed me of the pain.

Now I am learning to “branch,” to leave my nest on short excursions. He is teaching me how to make short winged assisted hops from one trial to the next. He does this in love, knowing I may fall sometimes, so staying close by to bear me up. He knows my insecurity so keeps me close to my “nest”, frequently returning me there as He builds my confidence in Him.  The “parents” He has provided to urge me forward while never abandoning me, they to stay close by helping me to learn to stretch my wings of faith.

For “branching” only lasts so long, as I have been “gliding” from trial to trial supported of hope, my “wings” have strengthened even as they have filled out. They have “feathered” out in trust and peace.

Now I look forward to my “fledgling” flight. I shall lift forward to face each day and all it brings in joy. I will glide smoothly on the air currents of my God’s love as they lift me higher. I shall soar straight and true because He is my air.

When the timing is right He will send me forth from my nest. I will go where He sends, willingly, humbly and full of gratitude.

For now, I wait upon Him.

TO BE SITTING WITH

I am to be sitting with so much this night…

Seen

Heard

Found.

Held

Comforted

Loved.

I to be Now.

As ripples of emotions to flee me

Bottled up released

Gone to done

Done to gone

Finished.

I CAN IMAGINE

 

I wake so often through the night, aches and pains of age to cause me to toss and turn. I always use this time to speak to my Lord, to speak of or think of Him as He sends me back into my slumber.

 

Last night the chorus of I Can Only Imagine to be upon my heart every time.

“I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk, by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When you face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine”

A little gift from my Abba.

I can only imagine,

But oh how I can!

He and I to commune through these words.

I to feel His presence so strongly.

His eyes to lock upon mine as ours meet.

Full of tenderness and mercy

Love

For me

How strong His arms are that hold me

Everlastingly there

We didn’t need words

His touch said it all

His gaze heals it all

I can imagine

And in that imagining my heart heals

In that imagining He comes to me

That

It is not imagining at all

No

It is the sweet being with my Jesus

Here and now

*I Can Only Imagine, lyrics by Mercy Me

 

 

 

 

 

When There Aren’t Enough Memories

There simply aren’t enough memories these days.

Or maybe just not new enough ones.

I cry so much in the longing for a touch.

Gentle and seeing.

Given out of love, just for me, just because.

I tend to cling to memories of just such given in the past.

Savor them.

Recall them in my times of loneliness.

Thing is I am realizing this is a coping technique from my past that God is moving me beyond.

A good thing but oh so hard.

So much emotions.

So many tears.

I know memories are good but they have been more of a band aid for me.

This is the truth that I am learning through this quarantine time.

Finding the depths of the feelings from then I have hid from.

I crave a touch.

Someone to see me.

To hug.

The gentleness of a hair brushed aside.

To share space with another.

A smile to send and receive that is full of so much more than just the smile.

To know I am not alone while surrounded.

I am not doing it well,

But I am trying,

Oh, so hard,

To rest in God’s holding.

To feel His hand upon me.

May my tears be cleansing,

As He separates then from now.

LOST AT SEA

 

I seem lost on the vast see of self.

Wave tossed of my emotions.

Floundering in the tears of what is gone.

Drowning

Or so it seems at first.

I am finding emotions are not as much to be feared as I thought, or think. For as I allow myself to feel them, in all their tears and turmoil, they finish.

Sated at least for a while.

My ocean of tears to calm, even me in a sense.

The losses to settle at least til the next storm arises.

Sometimes the sorrow is gentle waves of smiling remembrances of what is gone.

The beauty of smiles sent my way, simply sitting side by side.

Holding hands while praying and perhaps finding a hug is mine this day.

My tears mixed,

Part of what was given to help me process the loss of what was never there.

A gifted having now to heal  the child’s missed out.

So I am thankful for these feelings,

Grateful for my loss

As it serves it’s purpose

Finding I am not drowning.

Floundering yes,

But it’s OK

Cause as always

My Abba is here

Keeping me afloat

My life-ring of love.

SURVIVING TO THRIVING

I have been on a journey these last few months, one of learning that I am more of my then.

In the beginning it was all about recognizing that I had been a victim. Accepting the truth of what I had lived so that I could then move beyond it.

Transition from then to now.

From Victim to Survivor.

And I did.

Mostly.

Sometimes as I reread my writings I realize I was still floundering in the victim mode. For in yearning for what I missed I was in my past, in the then of the happenings.

The now is be a survivor.

Yet…

God is showing me He has so much more in store for me.

He wants me to Thrive                 .

To grow and live in the now

Of a future

Not the now of being no more a victim, no more abused

Rather,

The now of being me.

His daughter

His new creation

The Tammy I am

My past is a part of me, no denying that

But

My past is not me

Not the definition of who I am and who I am becoming.

As a friend told me once, “Think of a tapestry, we don’t look closely at it noticing each thread and knot in it, rather we take in the whole seeing the beauty of its design and finish. So it is with us in God’s design. While our past is a part of us, it isn’t what defines us… the happenings come together to create the whole of who we are, showcasing the beauty of God’s healing handiwork.”

This was such a “Wow!” moment for me

Such an awakening.

So I am endeavoring to live in the now of my thriving

In the now of the beauty of the me of God

This blog page has been such a healing to me. My writings to be wings of release and freedom

But now…

I must move on.

To bigger and better things…

To Thriving.

I shall perhaps someday, with God’s prompting, pen another blog. Should that day come I will pop back here and share where to find me.

For now, I leave this one as is to bless those that are on the beginning of their journeys.

Go with God, each of you

With my prayers that you too

Become His tapestry

As you thrive!

FATHER’S DAY

MEMORIES OF MEMORIES UNHAD

I wonder, often wonder, just how it would be…

to sit in silence

held by someone who wanted to hold me

Not just a hug in passing

but a holding unto enough

one where I would be the one to end it

because the emotions have been sated

Is it as glorious as it seems to be to rest ones head upon a shoulder while arms are wrapped around you and you are free to simply relax in that hold?

Does peace find you for the emotional need that is confounding you and driving you to those arms?

Will those hands feels as soothing upon your head as they seem they will?

Can one truly and so freely relax with another person and be at ease?

Is there still such for me?

Does the possibility even exist that someday, somehow I will be loved like this?

In gentleness and acceptance?

In it’s ok, I’ve got you?

In you don’t need words because I understand?

In you are loved just for you?

I think not even as I hope so.

I am lost these days. Adrift upon the seas of my years alone. Remembering the life rings thrown to me that have keep me afloat, finding the memories don’t sustain me like they used to. The longing for belonging here and now fed of the missing out my life has been.

The tears to cause the waters to rise that i am sinking.

For I am finding the lost child me so much of late.

Seeing the discarded me my Mother so easily tossed aside while choosing my brother. Feeling the lost emotions of that held as she watched her sibling is fed and held, played with and smiled upon, remembered while she was forgotten. I to sit alone and with naught but myself in my playpen while he was held, snuggled and fed. Spoken too and soothed, wanted.

I a discarded rag doll of a child.

Never to experience what all children need

And now it is too late, for I am grown

Grown

I married for all the wrong reasons, in a quest to fill this void.

To enter another void

As I flounder upon a new sea

Just as vast as my childhood one

Again to drown in not knowing

Holding

Belonging

Wantedness

Safety

Love

Rather to have my needs ignored

My wants laughed at

Longings belittled

Love withheld

Again

I wonder sometimes why it seems I am was so hard to love by the very humans whose purpose in life was to love me?

Was I flawed?

Was it something I did?

For all I can remember doing is loving them even in all of this.

Being willing to turn a blind eye and forgive if I would just be seen

Even, oh, just once.

One time to be safe in arms

To feel no fear in walking hand in hand

My heart free to love

Without being rejected

Or told my love was not wanted

What is it like to love as freely as I yearn to?

Love without fear of rejection?

Of loving too much?

I yearn to love here and now

To experience physically what I do spiritually

For the love of God of me encompasses and holds me so strongly

As my spirit rests in Him

But I seem to be failing at allowing His love to be my enough physically

I am lost upon the sea of my memories of memories I don’t have

Imploring my angels to hold me

Their feathers so soft upon my skin

That it be my holding

unto enough

now for then

now for now

 

 

 

 

TWINEDS UNTWINING

Body

Soul

Spirit

My three twined

My Body to remember wrong so strongly, wrong done to me in the flesh that wants me to feel as though it is happening now.

Body Memories

My Soul to cry out against it, yearning to be done with them

Finished

My Spirit

Reaching to the heavens imploring my Abba to send His to cleanse my body of them

Redeem it

How my twined has been untwining

How hard this has been for me

How long this part of the healing journey

I have felt so overwhelmed at times

Weary

Tired

Done

Twined in giving up

Twisted in upon myself

Overwhelmed

Unto giving up

Yet…

My God wouldn’t let me

Wouldn’t let me forget that He is here by sitting with me in all of this

By using even this to bring me out on the other side

Truths side

His side

Loves side

I had a panic attack the other morning, a full blown one, but different

I wasn’t lost in fear and then

No

It was now that overwhelmed me

Now with my God

Now with His love

Sweetly and wholly Now

Not just my heart to feel His love, but all of my me

My body tingling from head to toe with the feeling of love as I was gifted with experiencing what true physical love is.

Not abuse and using but gentleness and holding.

I feel as though I am not making sense, as though this is beyond me to explain, but I smile because that is ok.

I was and am lost in love.

Head over heels in love with loving my God

and..

His loving me

I John 4:8a                                                                                                                                                “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us”