I didn’t want to go to Mass today, not at all. I woke full of flashback invaded dreams, remembered. I so wanted to curl in upon myself, drown in going away. Away from remembering, away from life. Stay in bed and pity my past me. To go where the victory of Christ is partaken of? Nope.
I wanted to be done, this journey seems never-ending at times. I will have my footing, then, wham, bam, I am down again. Down of heart and weary of mind. The final count to feel welcome. 1…2…3 she’s out!
Yep, that’s just how this morning was.
I was so lost in the feelings, the overwhelming emotions my child me suffered that my adult me wanted to throw in the towel.
I dreamt of the using and taking, the abuse rained down on me… thing is that wasn’t what was tearing at me when I woke. In my dream I was sitting alone, after, so forlorn. I was crying, not because of what was done to me, rather, because I couldn’t seem to dress myself. My clothes were inside out, a jumble at my feet and it felt as though I simply couldn’t do it. I cried that no one was there after, that I was so alone not only in the abuse but further abused as those that could and should have, didn’t as well.
Rather turned a blind eye, a deaf ear and an indifferent heart.
So, I had me a good cry to the Lord and begged Him to help me care in the now. He did, I still didn’t feel it, but He reminded me that I needed to go. I imagine my Guardian Angels wings whooshing as they propelled me forth. I certainly didn’t go in my own power.
Mass. The remembering and celebrating of the greatest sacrificial gift, ever. Mass. Where my Christ endured for me the very thing that I feel this day, betrayal. Mass. He to suffer again and again what was then for me in the now, flashbacks. Mass.
One of the hardest yet most helpful things for me as I heal has been to revisit the abuse and see my God there. Find how He was with me, yield the whole truth of then to Him that He be with me now as He was then.
This is what I was really wanting to hide from today, I wanted to give up and not do my part of the work in my healing. Imagine if my Lord had given up? Had called forth all of Heaven to save Him from the cross? He could have, yet He yielded, “Not my will, but thine be done.” He uttered to His Father.
So, there I was at Mass. A quivering, emotional mess, kneeling and crying, oh, so tired.
Then the homily was shared. Father to talk of how much we have to be thankful for. The beauty of life and creation ours to see, hear, experience.
It hit me then, all along I was heard, I was seen, someone was far from indifferent.
God my Father, Mary my Mother and Christ my Brother and Savior not only were then with me but are now.
I am home, now is safe, I have oh, so much to be grateful for.
For I am no longer then.
So much assailed me yesterday. So many emotions found me. I was upon the sea of them, floundering unto drowning, lost.
There was no life boat, nothing to cling to that I could see. How could I ground myself if beneath me was simply more tears, if the sadness was drowning me, if the anger stirred up the storm even more and I was all alone in the vastness of it?
I was drowning I was sure. For each time I opened my mouth to call for help it seemed naught but more of the emotions rained down to be swallowed til they were swallowing me.
I wanted to simply let go and sink. To stop fighting and just be done. I didn’t care of the depth was dark and lonely, to let go would end it I was sure. I could journey elsewhere and forget, even if elsewhere required drowning, so be it I thought.
Yet, I couldn’t. Not the real me deep down inside, the part of me that knew my God was in this storm. To believe He is in control of all my life means the storms as well.
I turned my face to the Heavens as the circumstances of this storms creating pelted me, the lightning flashes of the anger I felt seemed to be striking me as I was tasting the salt of the tears I was drowning in. I let them come. I accepted the anger as mine to sit with. I acknowledged that I had a right to be so, while asking the Lord to cleanse me of it.
Then I realized that the sadness was being fed of the anger. That they were the stirring of this storms wind and buffeting. I though I will drown from within so I must let it all out.
I cried, again and again as my body curled in upon itself and wept with me.
I was adrift and alone.
I was lost and weary.
I wanted to stay this way and wait for a hand to reach for me, for someone to come and see me and be with me, I wanted a person to know.
In my wanting of this I was really doubting God was enough. I was saying I know you are in my storms, Lord but I need more that just you.
How human of me.
God wasn’t having any of it.
He pursued me, all the while, He does that.
Finally, from the depths of my despair I looked up.
Finally, I cried within, “Save me Abba.”
He scooped me up, pulled me close and sat with me. The storm raged still, but seemed less pelting for He overshadowed the brunt of it. In His embrace I found it was ok to cry. It was safe to feel the sadness and that the anger wasn’t worth the energy it pulled from me.
Now I am beyond this storm, and I am ok.
Alive and still me, weary but safe.
It isn’t the end of the world, the sadness is real but the rainbow is already spreading across the sky. Tomorrow is real and beckons, one that God already has in His hand.
So sadness and anger, all of the emotions of life are safe.
As long as I stay and walk hand in hand with my Master.
the edge of me touches the ripple of life
dips ever so gently into its flow
as I become a widening circle of life
I flow into what was lost
I am rippling out
as life cascades
I watch in wonder
its pure form
touches of gentleness
brushes of lips upon foreheads
gentle as the breeze
safe hands upon shoulders
being pulled close
for closeness sake alone
to rest one’s head upon another’s shoulder
or even just because
is a wonder to behold
ripples have always flowed away from me
now they are being met by others
such a melody floods my soul
in this collision of love
circling back to me
I am the rainbow these days The color and beauty of my emotions vibrating They spill upwards for all are fading Flashbacks of feelings separate from the happenings No more do the dragon monsters of then wrestle caged within me They have been slayed Replacing the darkness with the brilliant light of present I live in the light Breathe its sharpness in to cut out the then I exist from inside out spewing forth life I’m among the living now No battle scars as they burst out of me They do not matter for they are not who I am They are not my reflection No. My me is a rainbow of truth now My me is light and love and now My me is gloriously free I am me I am alive I am color and light and love I am a rainbow flowing free
In the daytime there are stars in the heavens, but they only shine at night.
And the deeper that I go into the darkness the more I see their radiant light.
So let me learn that my losses are my gain;
to be broken is to heal;
that the valley’s where Your power is revealed.
-Bob Kauflin, “In the Valley”
I have been on a journey of late, one of finding me some more. It has been hard and long, arduous. I feel the stretching of it still, like aches in my emotional muscles. A good ache even while it throbs.
Oh, how it does so! So many emotions have been awaken these last weeks. Those that have tripped me up and some that I never knew existed. To much feeling so oft, so much I was left floundering in them , too many I told a friend.
“Yes, she said.”
Can we sit with that a while? She said, “Yes.” to me.
“Yes,” you have feelings. “Yes,” they are a lot. “Yes,” you are allowed to feel. “yes,” and it’s ok.
To me, Tammy.
It was like a get out of jail free card.
In abuse feelings aren’t recognized except as an opportunity to turn them again us. Our abusers to make fun as they taunt us. To laugh and heap on more abuse if we show our true feelings. Hence we learn to bottle them up, hide how we feel and even lie to ourselves.
But, she said, “Yes.”
This a key that gave me so much. Bolstered me to say to myself, “Yes!” as well.
“Yes,” I feel this, “Yes,” these feelings are mine, “Yes,” I can accept them, process them and grow from this. I can be me unto more, rather than less.
Best part? She didn’t leave me hanging, wondering, “Ok, so they are mine and too much, but now what?”
I never was taught how to feel, to soothe myself or face the avalanche of them. My abuse taught me to cringe from me, run and hide, never ever to face them. I didn’t have a gentle touch or soothing tone, no looks of love or open arms… how was I to learn what all love shows when no love was there?
No fault of mine, just truth.
Now, I know. I am finding the stars in the night that are showing the way to the light of day.
This friend shared with me one of the biggest and brightest stars gifted to us of God, the truth of our being free to choose to give the emotion to God. To turn to my loving Abba, Daddy, and say, “Here, Papa, I am feeling too much. Please hold this awhile and help me be ready to take it back when you have readied me. Soothe me, Lord, and prepare me. Strengthen me by Your example and be my strength then.”
He always does.
He is my present that He be my past, fill in the voids and blanks.
I able to live in my today for He is here, my past faced for He was there, my future safe for He is already there as well.
Past, present, future…
all mine to live.
*Psalms 19 1-2 God’s glory is on tour in the skies,
God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.
Madame Day holds classes every morning,
Professor Night lectures each evening.
3-4 Their words aren’t heard,
their voices aren’t recorded,
But their silence fills the earth:
unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
4-5 God makes a huge dome
for the sun—a superdome!
The morning sun’s a new husband
leaping from his honeymoon bed,
The day breaking sun an athlete
racing to the tape.
6 That’s how God’s Word vaults across the skies
from sunrise to sunset,
Melting ice, scorching deserts,
warming hearts to faith.
7-9 The revelation of God is whole
and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear
and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are right,
showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain
and easy on the eyes.
God’s reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,
with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate
down to the nth degree.
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