Not you, just your brother….
One of the arrows of my childhood that pierced my heart. My mother to proclaim this to me, over and over, day after day in all the moments of me existence.
He to be seen, held and loved while I was left in the background. Pushed aside to be remembered only in the abusing. To be spoken to only in anger and loathing. Never, ever wanted.
This arrow became me.
Became what I expected from life. Defined my perception, whether it was true or not for many a situation.
Sometimes it was and oft-times it wasn’t
Not you, just your friend….
Not you, just someone else….
Not you, just….
Someone to say just this to me while I was on my healing journey. Someone who was a Mother figure to me. How this tore me open all anew.
It took me years to forgive this person. To still the anger and hurt child within who was screaming, “Why not me?! Why am I not important enough or good enough? What not me when I love you so much? Why did you lie to me and say me, then say, not me? Why, why, why?” To realize that the real anger and pain was because of my real mom.
In the end God has shown me this….
He never said not me.
Always to say, “Yes, you.”
Yes me, even when I was lost in the wanting to belong to someone.
The lost little me so wanting my mama’s love…
The desperate young woman me wanting anyone’s love….
The forgotten wife me wanting to be seen and held….
The floundering mother me wanting love so much I hid in my children….
The healing me wanting all I missed out on as a child….
Always the me looking to people, when all along the most important person had me.
The lost little me, held in my Mother Mary’s heart and embrace….
The desperate young women, me, loved of all the Saints of Heaven….
The forgotten wife me, seen of my Guardian Angel and held in the embrace of all the hosts of Heaven….
The floundering mother me loved so much of my Jesus that He died for me, died to rise again….
The healing me being given all I missed out on as a child in the gentle, healing and loving touch of my God.
Yes, me, gifted with the Holy Spirit that I am never alone.
Yes, me who is just me….
In all my sins and failures…
In all my wants and give mes….
In all my humanity.
Yes, you, my God has said….
Yes, you, I died for….
Yes, you, I rose for….
Yes, you, I love.
This Easter I shout out to my God, my Lord and Savior, my Jesus….
“Yes, you are my enough!”
He to tell me, “It is finished and I have just begun!”
“Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.”
I John 2:8 KJV