Childhood Sexual Abuse
Have you ever really stopped, when hearing that someone is a survivor of this, to consider what it means for them?
Of course, the word sex, impacts you immediately with horror.
As it should.Rape on any level, is horrible, make no mistake, no matter the gender or the age.
Imagine if this is all you knew, from birth, from your Father…
While neglect and hate came from your Mother?
How would this impact one?
What I would like you to consider is this, that you can pray for these survivors as truly needed…
Here is what God is showing me are the emotional scars I am left to carry from this, for my childhood was such.
Love is sex, for sex is the only love I have known
Thus sex must be love too.
Touching has no boundaries
You have no rights.
Everything that happens to others is your fault,
Since you started it all by being born.
You wanted it to happen
No one cares since you are no one
Your sole purpose is to serve others wants
And on and on the list of twisted perspective you are fed goes, the pattern to continue, often, into adulthood. Why wouldn’t it? It is all the child understands.
As a child…
Attention = sex
Being heard = sex
Being seen = sex
You get the picture? Sense the turmoil? Feel the frustration, the confusion, the utter lostness to understanding right from wrong? How twisted I was, how lost my heart.
How cruelest of cruel is childhood sexual abuse.
How betrayed I was of my parents.
All of this to be what my marriage was based upon, with my husband not showing me different.
How blind I was.
How Great is our God, that I am no more.
Being awakened to all the truth of what I endured, was horrible, hard, and overwhelming on so many levels
I have had to share things I don’t want to know or acknowledge let alone tell
There is no holding back the tide once the dam is broken
Only in facing the truth of what was can the truth of what is replace it
Truth is that I am loved, outside of sex
My Lord heard me even then, outside of sex
He saw me and wept for me, sees me now, outside of sex
Sits with me in my Spirit, communes with me, touching my heart, outside of sex.
Sex isn’t the sin I thought it was
It is a gift
One that was used against me
That doesn’t make the gift wrong
It was given wrong
Someday, perhaps, God will give me the experiencing of this gift right,
In marriage, a true one, built on giving, not taking
Or, perhaps, He won’t.
Thing is, He already is, in a sense
He has given me such a depth of His love and presence that it is enough no matter the future.
He is my Father, my Soul Mate, the Lover of my Soul.
Everything I need He supplies, I find no greater joy then in giving Him my all.
The past is done, the new begun.
The surviving done
That the thriving begun.