These ”Tough” Bikers Make A Huge Difference For Abused Children
I am noticing people of late, those that are in love.
The way love works for them, the give and take of it.
I find that I am learning it isn’t what I was taught.
It is a give and not take.
Yes, there is the getting, but it comes in giving, not demanding or grabbing with expectation.
It is more of a glowing.
I like what I am seeing and learning.
I notice the gentle leaning in to experience the others space.
Full attention given to the other, because they want to truly hear what is said,k share in the excitement and enthusiasm of the words.
There is a body language here of communicating and concern, of care and true devotion.
Smiles shared, tears caught, linking happening.
I like what I am finding.
Yes, I cry about it, I drip drops of, “What would it be like if that were mine?”
But they are cleansing tears, emptying kind.
Ones that wash out the memories so I am empty of past for God to fill with present.
Perhaps someday I will find this, someone to hold as precious to me. Who will see me as such too.
I have my Lord to love me like this, I am so in love with Him. I know He understands my desiring a person as well, while also knowing He is my enough.
I never really had love as it was meant to be. Mine was using and discarding, taking with no return. But that was then and is no more.
I chose to see now, to marvel at the love that surrounds me. To embrace friendship, family ebb and flow, to give love as it was designed.
Love finds its way around, it is a circle of life…
I am in that circle now…
here to stay.
2016 found us last evening.
I spent mine home, alone.
Away from partying and celebrating, no other person around.
No televised broadcasts of dropping this or that, no cheering or reveling.
I quietly saw it pass and loved doing so.
Reveled in the contentment I experienced in being by meself.
This is a bit of a miracle for me, a sure sign of healing.
Holidays always are a challenge, in one form or another. Some to be triggers to abuse gone by or remind me of how alone I was. Oft I would find jealousy knocking much as Scrooge did watching Tiny Tim’s family through the window.
New Years Eve saw me not even giving this a thought beyond to be thankful to my Lord that He has healed me so much that it is natural to live in thankfulness, to see the beauty of what is now as it literally obliverates then from my heart.
I enjoyed a quiet night home, doing things i find relaxing and bringing in the New Year just the right way for me.
New Years Eve alone, a precious, cherished memory.
New Years Eve alone, that I experience contentment with self, celebrate the joy of life in Christ and come to understand that I do belong, I am loved and I am someone too.
a place where it feels safe to hide
safe from the big people
secure from problems to big
where one can fly away at whim
laugh and play with abandon
but i know it is not real
rather a trap
a secret room in a game of hide and seek
me searching for me as i hides me
pretending doesn’t make it real
i don’t have pixie dust to fly away from here
to lift me from this trappedness i feel
i scared to fly into the storm that separates
at the swirl of the feelings that sent me here
i find i can’t hide from them no more
i want to go home to me
leave behind this ghost town of what was
so i need a ride
i never had rides before that i knowed where there
i do now
so to stay is to live a lie
so goodbye Neverland
i am journeying home today
starting even if it takes me awhile
i can even lie there and rest while the storm rages
my angel fights my Captain Hooks for me
i just trust
and believe in my momma Mary and papa God
remember that they want me home
they never ever wanted me to leave
the land i was never meant to live in
home is where i belong
I wonder that today about folks around me. I wonder, “Do they know how much they have touched my heart?” Do they know that some of the simplest acts they extend to me reach to the depth of my heart and soul?
I think they don’t.
How could they unless they understand the horror of my childhood?
To understand is to have lived it and I am thankful they haven’t.
Yet they know some, and in that knowing they show and give me so much. Often unknown to them.
So it was today.
A hug, a kiss upon my cheek and an, “I love you,” that, totally took me by surprise. Stopped me in my tracks as I looked in wonder at him.
You see, my earthly father is dying soon. I have been confounded by this, confused in how I feel. Sad at times, for what should have been as a daughter, while empty at others because of what was that shouldn’t have been. Mostly I simply accept that he is passing as all humanity does and I pray that God grant him mercy.
Then today, someone who is a Father to my friend, treated me with the dignity a father should a daughter.
I am proud of myself that I don’t feel all like I am his daughter, that was a struggle for me in the past. The overwhelming desire to claim someone for my Father and Mother.
No, this is different.
I feel as though I can’t say this right, I do know, I feel it right.
It is as though it is an it’s alright your daddy is leaving, others here and now, your family of God, we have you.
We will keep you
We will love you
And we will give it all with Christ like love
And as love is meant to be
TODAY WAS A ME DAY
ONE THAT WAS ABOUT ME
FULL OF RESTING
QUIET TIME WITH ABBA
THOUGHTFUL PUZZLE MAKING
EATING WHEN HUNGRY
STOPPING WHEN FULL
TALKING WITH FRIENDS
WATCHING POINTLESS TV
DOING WHAT I WANTED
NOT DOING WHAT I DIDN’T
EMOTIONS WERE OK
MEMORIES SMILING KIND
A LIFE AS LIFE IS DAY
A ME DAY
I don’t often reshare, but this has so much truth that I am. Praying it blesses you as much as it did me.
Feeling so much I never have before
I find that I feel safe lying down
Warm and secure beneath the covers
Not in a cowering or hiding way
as of old
beds are safe, I am finding
as I lie here
no more wrong wanting chasing me in my dreams
no more confusion within my heart
i am liking this new
loves unwrapping bit by bit
real love as love really is
fleeting touches that linger for days
butterfly kisses kind of ones
eyes full of seeing
smiles that curve more than the mouth
reaching my heart
I lie here
body resting, yes
within so alive
doors are open waiting for me
lights left on
inside is belonging, warmth and love
i am kept out in the open
free to come and go
truth what matters
heard and seen
all of this passes through me
again and again
my form learning from it
finding what truth is
even for me
For within I am but a House of Mirrors
To look within one is to see another
Stretching back to was and wasn’t, as far as my inner eye can see
Each mirror seems magical
In a curious sort of way
They show me then
To stare into one is to glimpse a was
While living an is
I have fallen down the Rabbit Hole
Where up is down, down is up
Then and Now having collided
It is so easy to keep my eyes downcast
To hide was safe, then
To touch wasn’t
Reaching out was fearsome
My mirrors show me all of this
Hiding is not safe, now
For it will end all that has begun
Open my eyes
To shatter the lies
With the truth
So I can smile in all my then fear
I am surrounded of Heaven
Mama Mary beside me now
Holding my hand reassuringly
All of Heaven here
I was to not touch her
Never to look her in the eye
To want attention meant harm
“See me Momma,”
The unuttered cry of my child’s heart
She smiles back
This is safe
So I reach out
I touch ever so lightly
To find no rebuke in doing so
My touch welcome
Was and Wasn’t shattered
As Is and Isn’t remain
I have many such mirrors
Within my house of me
Yet, mirrors is all they are
The colors of now
Reflected in them
Of love within
Turning right side up
Childhood Sexual Abuse
Have you ever really stopped, when hearing that someone is a survivor of this, to consider what it means for them?
Of course, the word sex, impacts you immediately with horror.
As it should.Rape on any level, is horrible, make no mistake, no matter the gender or the age.
Imagine if this is all you knew, from birth, from your Father…
While neglect and hate came from your Mother?
How would this impact one?
What I would like you to consider is this, that you can pray for these survivors as truly needed…
Here is what God is showing me are the emotional scars I am left to carry from this, for my childhood was such.
Love is sex, for sex is the only love I have known
Thus sex must be love too.
Touching has no boundaries
You have no rights.
Everything that happens to others is your fault,
Since you started it all by being born.
You wanted it to happen
No one cares since you are no one
Your sole purpose is to serve others wants
And on and on the list of twisted perspective you are fed goes, the pattern to continue, often, into adulthood. Why wouldn’t it? It is all the child understands.
As a child…
Attention = sex
Being heard = sex
Being seen = sex
You get the picture? Sense the turmoil? Feel the frustration, the confusion, the utter lostness to understanding right from wrong? How twisted I was, how lost my heart.
How cruelest of cruel is childhood sexual abuse.
How betrayed I was of my parents.
All of this to be what my marriage was based upon, with my husband not showing me different.
How blind I was.
How Great is our God, that I am no more.
Being awakened to all the truth of what I endured, was horrible, hard, and overwhelming on so many levels
I have had to share things I don’t want to know or acknowledge let alone tell
There is no holding back the tide once the dam is broken
Only in facing the truth of what was can the truth of what is replace it
Truth is that I am loved, outside of sex
My Lord heard me even then, outside of sex
He saw me and wept for me, sees me now, outside of sex
Sits with me in my Spirit, communes with me, touching my heart, outside of sex.
Sex isn’t the sin I thought it was
It is a gift
One that was used against me
That doesn’t make the gift wrong
It was given wrong
Someday, perhaps, God will give me the experiencing of this gift right,
In marriage, a true one, built on giving, not taking
Or, perhaps, He won’t.
Thing is, He already is, in a sense
He has given me such a depth of His love and presence that it is enough no matter the future.
He is my Father, my Soul Mate, the Lover of my Soul.
Everything I need He supplies, I find no greater joy then in giving Him my all.
The past is done, the new begun.
The surviving done
That the thriving begun.