DANCE OF ME

 

imagesI am fascinated of late with the word, “Still,” as it seems at times that I can do anything but be just that.

I feel  like a kaleidoscope

The kind you can spin round and witness tiny flecks of color as they rearrange themselves.

Each piece simply lying there, still to become this amazingly beautiful design when brought together in a reflection.

I think, just now, about how when this child’s toy is set aside, it still holds the magic inside. Simply waiting, still.   -

I can feel this very beauty as I sit with Abba and ponder what He is telling me, waking me up to.

I have found myself jittery of late at times, always my silly leg to seem to have a mind of its own when I feel stressed. Next panic comes knocking, and it feels as though I am this toy being shook up.

Thing is, I always have been, just in an unaware way.

Now, I am aware.

No more still in a wrong way, as I am awakening to an awareness of me.

God is showing me this that I understand I have been this kaleidoscope all along. I, left sitting on the shelf, hidden in the pdark that each piece was still and colorless. Unable to spin in the glory of the color within. Listless, quiet, still.

 

No more.

wink-space-kaleidoscope-masakazu-shirane-saya-miyazaki-1

I am now, within and without, spinning… color clashing in all its glorious splendor. Reflecting back for all to see who look, including myself. I find I want to at times study the different designs I chance upon. Ponder each color’s placement and purpose in the whole, while at others I simply can’t seem to hold still as I explore all the potential within my grasp.

I am becoming self-aware, is how Papa is explaining this to me. Aware of myself on a physical level that is causing more awareness to my thoughts and reactions.

Judgement is waking up as I respond less to the panic, breathe and grasp the knowledge that I have other choices. I can still run for help, or, I can be the big girl I am as I listen to myself and find the solution.

I can be still for all the right reasons as this happens, while realizing that I needn’t freeze or hide in this stillness, no dying to around me.

 

Rather a stillness that is really a wide awake awareness of not leaving the situation, but embracing it as a challenge.  1920440_412596658887293_8785374710647287555_n

As God gives the kaleidoscope of me a twirl…

whispering to me…

 

“Have at it girl, find the beauty of all your created self.”  kaleidoscope-images

 

 

 

BEYOND THE NEON

d74abc49badf5ed17aa97b8d4c616b60I have noticed something about myself of late.

A subtle change that feels big, the kind that when put into words seems to beg the question, “And?” When in reality it is much like a flashing Neon Light. A sign that draws your attention simply because it is there. Blinking non-stop, bright, there even in the corner of your eye kind.

I feel like I have been this neon light. As if my me has been standing still while moving, pulsating with the colors of life, spilling forth in wonder, twirling about flashing, as I have found the rhythm of a childhood missed.

I have loved these colors, embraced them fully inside and out. My home is full of them visually as well as whimsically. Pinks and purples to greens and blues, they are all here representing the flowing  of my hearts depth of feeling,

A feeling of childhood.

Of happiness like  a smiley face sticker is how that happiness feels, almost that I am wearing one, which is making me smile even now. Remember I am visual writer, picturing just that now.

I feel as though I have been gifted with the glow of living, see myself pulsating as each beat of my heart feeds this through me, color flowing til it can’t help but b

Which brings me to my point, this is a child’s perspective in a way, one where life is lived in the cascading joy of simply being alive, the carefreeness of spinning round and round in a field, free to roll down the hill and embrace that moment in of itself while at the same time the flow of life moves you along.

Everything begging to be explored and embraced, full of why’s, when’s and where’s, that simply propel  you forward into more of life.

Neon, is how I would describe childhood as it is meant to be lived and embraced.

I have had my neon gifted to me as part of my healing. For quite awhile I am coming to realize. This gift has been one of time and patience, caring and kindness wrapped in an awareness of me. Memories created to replace those that never should have been that the brightness of them, their very existence to be what draws my heart forward.

Forward from Neon to Pastel.

I still love color but find the flashy and bright, isn’t always what catches my eye these days. I like the muted tones as well, the soft warmth they instill in me causing me to feel safe and settled.I now prefer to sit in that same field, to lie upon the field and find stillness as the clouds pass by slowly full of a caressing softness. The wind whispers to me if I but listen and the whole of living finds me.

I pause awhile even now, to find myself drawn to this field, within for now to be experienced sometime later. But, oh, how I am transported there even now.

Neon has passed as all childhood do.

Now, before me lies a field of wildflowers, begging crossing.

A slower journey this one will be, in the experiencing.

One of holding still a choice not instinct, where the stillness is a time of healing, as my me is awake.

Life to be embraced in the quiet moments, in the wisps of love sent my way.

I am growing up and I like it.

My soul set free upon the wind of my Father, God’s mighty healing gift of life.

As I am becoming Woman

“The spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life.” Job 33:4 (KJV)

“And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.”

Genesis 2:7 (KJV)

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STILL

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SILENT THOUGH MY INFANT CRY,                                                                                 STILL YOU HEARD MY WAILING

FEARFUL TODDLER UNMOVING,
STILL YOU WAITED FOR ME

LONELY IN UNWANTEDNESS
STILL YOU SOUGHT ME OUT

CLOTHESLESS AND FILTHY
STILL YOU LOOKED UPON ME

SHIVERING AND SAD,
STILL YOU SMILED AT ME

CONFUSED UNTO LOST,
STILL YOU TOOK MY HAND

DROWNING IN SORROW,
STILL YOU WIPED MY TEARS

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TERRIFIED, DOUBTING                                                 ,

STILL YOU HELD ME STILL YOU LOVED ME
STILL YOU KEPT ME
STILL YOU DO                                                                                                                                                                                                       image010image004FOREVER YOU WILL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CORRIDORS

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I have chosen to post this one unedited as given to me of God last night.

 

i find myself walking the halls of my past. i am not alone, my hand is held i feel it even as it seems that i cannot see by whom for when i look up it is as a flickering shadow, one that enlightens my heart to all who have had and are holding me not just of this earth for heavens grasp is here too i ponder this image I slowly smile both within and without as the meaning of this vision from my Abba is understood. some people have their family trees that are rooted here on earth, ties to generations that they claim with pride i don’t i am the tree uprooted, cast aside to wither and die cut up and burned that even the fragrance of my passing is gone upon the wind cut off from this tree. Still i smile still all is as it should be this is what my God is telling me with a whisper so soft it caresses my heart. “come little one, walk with Me.” I have a choice, I feel it, to stand still as i am or to move forward How i trust this awesome God of mine, memories of all the times He kept me in the dark despair of my childhood abuse, always He was there. i hold His hand tight, i whisper, “Yes.”

And… so it begins

Behind us are many doorways, those of past, of little me. They are darkened now, the lights turned off, as each reflects a soft glow of keeping. Within sleeps the many mes of my abuse. Each to have found love on this journey of healing Abba has me on. To look back leaves me contented, for i know that glow. Beside each sits my true Mother, Mary. as before each door stands my mes Angel. Stands tall and ready that no more harm come to this part of me, that the healed wounds stay just that, all attempts to harm this child shall fail.

So it goes door after door.

As I turn forward, nodding to Abba that I am ready, I can feel the safety behind. All is well with little me.

My smile widens, for the shadows are of all those who have been my family tree unto me, brave. strong souls that have done what was needed to enter those rooms, many that had been barred, sealed shut with lock upon lock upon lock set, no key to be found.

These are they who will travel forward with me, those of this earth and heavenly hosts as well. The flickering is not that they are leaving, it is rather. that each beat of my heart shows me another.

I am safe, loved, belong… grafted in of God.

Growing forward. awaiting, many doors still seen, but this time the way is lighted, brilliant with the glory of the Lords army that lines the way. Angels at guard before many of the doors, others within. fighting the battles already in a forward defense.

This time the journey will be different, oh it shall still have its battles, tears will flow and pain will need faced and claimed, but there will be no childish holding on, no clinging to what is old and worn, valueless.

No.

This time I shall go boldly forward, steps taken with purpose, fully planted as I keep my eyes open.

I am climbing the Everest of my God

Going where fear has kept me from going before

Walking the corridors of life

Rather than self

As I was meant to all along

~Tammy Anne of God ❤

FLASHPOINT PARADOX

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A flashback invaded my sleep this last night. I to awaken lost to me, floundering in its rememberedness of then. Full of fear and drowning, tearless at the shear wrongness of this memory.

Flashpoint found

That which ignites

Flashbacks are so Flashpoint, always, for me

How I recall my first, the hiding it led to as fear gobbled me whole, controlled me that I ran. I driven to make myself invisible, unheard, gone. A fear intense beyond intense, full of remembered pain and suffering. It no wonder that I hid from it as a child of 6, hid to protect me and my baby brother. Yet hiding only lasts so long, can only if one wants to survive. To physically stay under the house meant no food. I recall not minding that for myself, but my brother needed to eat and was in so much pain.

images                                                                       So I crawled out, endured and his some more. Just hid in daylight, inside myself.

A hiding that followed me as I grew, becoming more than the safety net the child invented it for.

Now more of a gateway to more abuse being accepted, my growth stunted, my hiding unknown even to me.    images

Til one day, my Papa, God, knowing I was ready and strong enough in him whispered to me, “I see you, my little one, it is time to unhide, with Me.”

8c4a93083c4981b64506bb3b6dd43de9Oh how I recall those beginning days of my healing. How patient my God was with me, how just there the one He was using to help me find safety and bravery to show myself. Day after day to lead to a bit more, a peeking out to one foot across the threshold. I envision that day I finally took my first step, the barrier within only an inch crossed but behind me just te same. A doorway crossed. One that over the next few months taught the lost, beaten hands always wrong with me, that it wasn’t meant to be that way. I found arms that were merely for holding, closeness that was rest and safe. Acceptance and peace, a peace I was allowed to rest in. A door open, day or night, just for me. I blossomed in that time, grew up some in all I had missed. Learned that even when that time ended because seasons change, that the truth of that time wasn’t going away, never would.

That’s so amazing to me, even still. That I am loved, me, tammy.

I realized then that all Flashpoints needn’t claim me. I learned the way any child does, by experiencing many in the years to follow. Mistakes made but always upon always God to provide me with a someone from His people to live Him out to me. Doors opened at all hours, arms only a knock away morning after morning to send me off to school with warmth and love. I to not even remember all the times I came knocking but welcomed just the same. A hug with a sigh that was oh so sweet to hear, a breakfast shared, warmth provided when the flashback claimed my body, my coldness noticed.

Times when I would run, literally, to a friend in my confusion. Sit at her feet and cry out the not understanding of my actions or those of others.m

Welcomed when I couldn’t even remember who they were, just that they loved me. Helped to grow in the Word through study, hand-held as I grew, keeping it safe and true.

Til Abba used all of this to bring me home to where I could be kept.

Home to here. To those to help me free me inside as much as these before did me outside, that Flashpoints not send me scurrying.

You see, my flashpoints are good to happen in that they ignite reality, painful past, yes, but only to consume them. Staying in God to enable me to lose the flashback rather than me. All my family of God gone before to be the anchor of fresh memories I can turn to that I stay seen, heal a bit more.

It is a bit harder today, than sometimes. with this being a memory not found before. With me being so visual that my flashbacks are in pictures not words. This one tears my heart open and causes a cascade of tears for little me. I could so easy become lost in the stench of the water, the game taught wrong, the sheer foulness of someone doing such a thing to a mere babe.

or…

kkI can turn to now memories, reach my tiny arms up and out, just knowing that there are so many who see me in this horror, who flash eyes of God’s wrath upon the scene and reach out to lift me so gently from the water, wrap me in the softest towel of safety and hold me close. Love me right and whisper, “it is not your fault. He is the bad man, you are such a sweet, good little girl.”

They are showing me sunshine now, running and playing, that water cleans and being clean is ok. They want me to care for myself, to rest and grow, eat enough and right. They see me and accept me, teach me when I make a mistake to see it and learn, to accept I am not perfect nor need be.

They see me, so much so that hiding wouldn’t be possible even if I tried.

Know why?

Cause they see with Abba eyes, feel with Abba heart, reach out with only His goodness and leading their fuel

An Abba Flashpoint that cleanses, purifies and make it all alright

 

dream or no dream

DILEMMA?

ddHow sleep evades me of late, night after night, I to wake in the wee hours, the Sandman having abandoned me. I lie there awhile, relaxing, not minding the night, embracing it. The light of the moon illuminates my room, a beam from heaven bathing me. I close my eyes and simply feel.

Every pore of my body to tingle, much as a sleeping foot does when waking up. I like this sensation. I used to not even be aware of the surface of my skin, I had learned young that it was easier to block the pain if it didn’t exist. Waking black and blue with no reason was gentler to my mind. Not feeling spared my heart, not seeing my vision, not hearing my memories.

Blank, that’s what I was.

A black hole unto myself.

rrExcept with my Papa, God. He who shone His heavenly lights upon me in the cast out loneliness of my nights. How I would watch the clouds pass across the window of my tin home, imagine lying on the puffiness of them as the wind brushed my cheek, stroked my hair and the very heavens sung me a lullaby. It is ironic that the safest memories I have of my childhood are the ones of when I was put out in the trash to sleep.

Yet, is it so ironic?

Not really, not knowing my Abba the way I do.

He who loves me so much that He helped me find good in the sin of mankind committed against me.

As my loving father, to care for me against all odds.

I smile even now, much as I did in those days, wrapped of tin but kept in love and heavenly peace

So goes my nights, my dilemma tied to my abuse, those days to free me these days

The awakening to the cold I endured causes  me to sink into the  blissful warmth of my blanket snuggled tight.

I smile as I view the moon, peace to settle as I recall all those nights of sitting with Papa, God.   oo

Thus my dilemma…

I am awake and drawn to prayer, to simply sitting at the feet of my Jesus.

My body to struggle to sleep for it so longs to feel

To leave this earthly plane and sit with my heavenly family

Shall I sleep, shall I go home?

So I ask God to work His purpose in my wakefulness as I settle deep into my bedding, my body still, mind clear, heart open

No dilemma here, simply His leading

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How He brings me near, I to sit oh so close as His robes billow about me, enfold me in peace and comfort, I am oh so safe here. We looked into each others eyes, a gaze of understanding, of the intimacy of knowing what the other is thinking without words spoken. For, round about flutters an endless legion of the heavenly host. The wind of their fluttering wings to fan the flames of love I have for my Papa. As we rise, it is to welcome Momma Mary, to complete that which was lost to me. The colors shoot abut, each star streaking by in brilliant array, all of heaven rejoicing, unbelievably, yet true, over me.

I was lost you see, now I am found.     bb     images

 

 

 

I CAME KNOCKING

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Yesterday was the hardest, hard beyond hard, intense to beyond bearing…

So it seemed,

Yet…

Today is here and I am too.

I can still feel it, the depth of the pain, searing my heart.

bbGod to give my heart a glimpse into the pain my sin causes Him.

It is like no other, this feeling.

How I am awakened to desire to give my God no more such pain,

It felt as though not only was my heart, broken, but it was wretched from within and trampled upon.

Forgotten as though it were nothing left to slowly stop beating as it died.

This is what I felt yesterday at Mass as I came knocking.

Little me memories to descend with a crashing clarity as I watched babies being baptized.

 

A Mother and Father drawing close together loving this child,      stock-photo-happy-words-info-text-graphics-and-arrangement-concept-on-black-background-word-clouds-89073730

Smiling at her antics, gentle and clam with her,

loving her and being patient,

simply being what parents are meant to be.

I came knocking in that toddler

I to watch her and revel in her safety and carefreeness,

astounded that she had no fear,

absorbed in watching her being smiled at and held close.

Little me came knocking…

full of that endured,

a child of 1 who knew better than to cry or even smile

she who was unwanted, uncared for, a burden

I cam knocking

But Momma Mary and Abba looked upon me just as I did that child

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They drew me close as I partook of the Eucharist

They reminded me that they love me as they held me

Picking up my bruised and battered heart

Returning it to me with words of hope and comfort

A promise that one day it would heal

In time, as I allowed them and theirs to love mem

Little me came knocking yesterday

To finally find the door open

To be welcomed home

No knocking needed.

RX O.D -100 O.S. -175

1 Corinthians 13:12 (KJV)

                                                                 “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:                                                                    now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”

I have been pondering vision of late, mine in particular.

You see, I am at the dreaded bifocals stage, the one that we try to deny for as long as possible. Thing is, after a while, there is no denying the need, not if one desires to truly see clearly. I had a pair for a while, liked them too. I am in between just now, and finding, I am so ready for when I get them again. I miss my bifocals, my granny glasses. I yearn to be able to see up close without any squinting or trying to figure out what I am reading.

335181-main_FullI don’t care what folks think about them, I want them, I need them and so I shall do what I need to to get them… and that’s that!

As I sat with Abba recently, reading His words to me, without my glasses, Bible held up close, He whispered this to me…

“Spiritual Bifocals”

As much as I physically need this seeing aid, my inner vision needs them even more.

You see, I am so crowded of late… so much feeling hitting me like darts from every direction, all jumbled that I can’t seem to sort them out. Way more than I know what to do with. Thus they leave me confused, my mind to feel in a fog, I unable to decipher this pile of letters left at my feet, all a jumbled.

I don’t have to is what God is showing me.

“Stop squinting,” He says. “Allow me to be your eyes in this. I will show you what my purpose is, I have a plan that you can’t see. Take your eyes off of the confusion and fullness, allow Me to lead as you give it to Me and wonders will happen.”

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“I am here. seek Me and find Me, turn to My Word, draw nearer to My Mother, open yourself to a deeper indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Hide not from me in your confusion, for I know where you are always. I see you, to love you. I find you always, for I seek you out. My Father created you for a purpose, His. Embrace the honor this is as I did The Way of the cross was hard for me, I too felt the crowdedness of it. Follow my example a\set in the Garden of Gethsemane. See with the spiritual wisdom Our Father desires to bless you with. Yield your vision to His.”

In humble obedience, I take my eyes off of the feeling as I look heavenward within. I yield needing to understand to following.

All I need see is clear to me, my Saviors cross, where I kneel even now.                            images

His blood, His Sacrifice, His gift to me all I need to see clearly.

At the foot of the cross, I whisper, “Not my will, but Thine, be done.”

“Father, if thou art willing, remove this cup from me;

nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”  Luke 22:42 (RSVCE)