My heart, a mystery unto me all these years I have lived.
Even more so it seemed as my healing progressed.
In the beginning of this journey it seemed to be missing, just a hole where it belonged. When I would stumble upon it I to have no idea what to do with it. To hold it in my hands left me full of sorrow as I looked upon its bruised and bloody pulp. If I strived to lovingly return to self it would shock me into past. jolt me awake to all endured as a child sending me fleeing and hiding as those memories, now alive, overwhelmed me.
My hearts very aliveness to seem my greatest enemy.
To claim my heart was to find me.
How scary this was.
Little me, toddler me, child me… all rejected
Growing me, teen me unto woman me void of touch, lost of heart.
Oh it was there, within my frame for such is our created being.
Yet, in my mind’s eye, it was gone…
Endurance having replaced it, survival the flow through my veins…
How deeply I hid my heart, to save me, to save it.
Handed off from one abuse to another as it was secreted away with each.
Lies to self the oxygen needed that a fake existence emerge.
A child to cope by going away from even self.
This is the side of my heartbeat I have been traversing.
Finding bits and pieces of then as God led, pulling my heart from hiding that I feel it’s true beat. Accept the truth of its being mine as it was placed back within me. Such a painful journey as each beat coursed through me, each throb tied to an abuse, each memory a horror unto its self.
Wanting my heart back was not desired, allowing God to do so, simply because Abba always knows best, was hard and ugly work. Focusing on Calvary and the truth that Jesus experienced the same was where I stayed.
Here also is where I was healed, here is where I found me, here is where the end began.
The wrong side of my heartbeat.
Death while living, dark in the day, cold and lonely always. Heartbeat slowed that I not exist to me.
Bit by bit I have been waking up to me, to the fact that I am now not then.
Bit by bit learning to sit still as I simply feel, beyond the memory to my being there, experiencing what was my truth of then as it woke my heart to the other side.
The right side of my heart.
Life. Living while enduring possible for Christ is with me, His light going before me lighting even the darkest of days. Hispresence the warmth when cold blasts find my heart, His arms enough to show me I am never alone. Heartbeat to race that it seemed it would explode, He to sit with me even in this that I learn it won’t. My heart need not be hidden, it is safe to carry it within me, for He guards this as well. He desires to teach me how to do so as our hearts beat as one.
I still hear my heartbeat knocking from time to time these days. Gentle taps of my childhood hiding. Ones that are begging their turn to be seen and heard. At first this scared me to realize what I was “hearing.” I can feel so spent with soothing myself of the pain and using, the discarded times.
But I am learning that feelings don’t hold the power, God does. He gifted me with the ability to feel just as He did all of His creation, thus He is also teaching me what that means. How to be human and give Him the control, to turn the fear for self into compassion for others who are facing theirs. I am learning to look on others emotions gone haywire beyond the impact they have on me and feel for them instead. How great their own wrong side of their heartbeat pain must be.
Having my heart back is changing me, having Christs heart wrapped around mine transforming me, as only His power can.
I no longer panic when these heartbeats come knocking.
Rather, I invite them home.
Allow each memory its visit held in the arms of God, soothed of my Mother Mary, Christ’s Momma lovingly shared with me.
Then we say goodbye. Some to stay the side of Heaven to heal in light and love, others to come home to me that they be used of God.
Papa, God, tells us, “As a (Woman) thinketh in her heart, so she is.” Prov. 23:7 (KJV)
I am thinking now, thus my heart is too.
I am thinking whole is good, thus God is making me whole.
Whole of heart, body, soul, spirit and mind.
Whole in Christ alone
The right side of my heart,
FINAL PHOTO CREDIT
The church’s crypt marked the site of the fourth station where Jesus met His Mother as He carried the Cross to Calvary.