IN THE NOW

I haven’t written in such a long time… I ponder to think about this from time to time. Writing has played such a huge part in my healing. “Why, then do I shie away from it?” I recently asked Papa God. He has been awakening me to why, He is like that, always answering.The question is, am I listening, especially with a willing heart? I realize I haven’t been, the truth scared me.

I wanted to hide, not from the exact why, I didn’t really know that. No, I wanted to hide in general. It’s so much easier than processing. Thing is, that is only true in the short run. In the long one, hiding draws out the healing, freezes me in where I am.

Who was I kidding? Surely not my Abba, He knew right where I was.

Hiding hurts me, as I shut out the penetrating light of His touch. The, “Me first,” winning. Little, tired and fearful me forgetting who I am in Christ. Cowering rather than rising clad in my new self.

No more, I finally said to myself today, no more as I laid upon my bed feeling.

Feeling.

Oh, how I feel these days!

Ripples upon ripples to pass through me…

I lie still in the mornings as they wash over me, I relish them. Memories flood me of the here and now.

I am ok and…. it’s all alright.

So much of my abuse took place where I should have been safe. I am finding that these emotions are arising when I am in those places. Home to awaken peace, my bed welcome.

I realized something last night as I snuggled deep within the comfort of my bed. I have a stuffed lamb that is dear to me, it was gifted to me in the now, and it has helped the wounded little me so much to pull it close. Helped me in the dark of the night to remember that I am now and loved. The other day I found another stuffed animal, an old worn Owl. I smiled when I stumbled upon it, remembering how I bought it for myself the first Valentines Day I was alone after my husband abandoned me. I named him Who, so every time I pulled him close I would remember who I am to Christ, Who I am to others in the present, Who I am now. I placed Who on my Bed beside my Lamb. That night as I crawled into bed and I pulled them both close, I heard Abba say, “Your Past and Present are one, give them to Me, and we shall fuse them together into a glorious future.

This Lent, I offer to my Lord the sacrifice of my past, I offer my vulnerability I feel in writing to Him. I ask Him to use me, my writing, whatever and all I have to offer because of His grace and mercy gifted to me.

I arise now, and step from my hiding

place. Propelled forth of the wind of my

guardian angels wings, into the light and love of His waiting arms.

I now realize that I don’t need to leave His embrace to move forward, He doesn’t send me off on my own, no, He’s got me, tight… and won’t let go.

We journey together, sometimes I am carried, others we to walk hand in hand. No matter what, He is beside me, and I am never ever alone.

Even in my hiding, He sat with me.

Past and Present are together opening a new future.

Healing can only be as effective as the depth of my presence in the now.

 

I DON’T WANT TO

I didn’t want to go to Mass today, not at all. I woke full of flashback invaded dreams, remembered. I so wanted to curl in upon myself, drown in going away. Away from remembering, away from life. Stay in bed and pity my past me. To go where the victory of Christ is partaken of? Nope.

I wanted to be done, this journey seems never-ending at times. I will have my footing, then, wham, bam, I am down again. Down of heart and weary of mind. The final count to feel welcome. 1…2…3 she’s out!

Yep, that’s just how this morning was.

I was so lost in the feelings, the overwhelming emotions my child me suffered that my adult me wanted to throw in the towel.

I dreamt of the using and taking, the abuse rained down on me… thing is that wasn’t what was tearing at me when I woke. In my dream I was sitting alone, after, so forlorn. I was crying, not because of what was done to me, rather, because I couldn’t seem to dress myself. My clothes were inside out, a jumble at my feet and it felt as though I simply couldn’t do it. I cried that no one was there after, that I was so alone not only in the abuse but further abused as those that could and should have, didn’t as well.

Rather turned a blind eye, a deaf ear and an indifferent heart.

So, I had me a good cry to the Lord and begged Him to help me care in the now. He did, I still didn’t feel it, but He reminded me that I needed to go. I imagine my Guardian Angels wings whooshing as they propelled me forth. I certainly didn’t go in my own power.

Mass. The remembering and celebrating of the greatest sacrificial gift, ever.                                                              Mass. Where my Christ endured for me the very thing that I feel this day, betrayal.                                                                                               Mass. He to suffer again and again what was then for me in the now, flashbacks.                                                                                                                                                                                   Mass.

One of the hardest yet most helpful things for me as I heal has been to revisit the abuse and see my God there. Find how He was with me, yield the whole truth of then to Him that He be with me now as He was then.

This is what I was really wanting to hide from today, I wanted to give up and not do my part of the work in my healing. Imagine if my Lord had given up? Had called forth all of Heaven to save Him from the cross? He could have, yet He yielded, “Not my will, but thine be done.” He uttered to His Father.

So, there I was at Mass. A quivering, emotional mess, kneeling and crying, oh, so tired.

Then the homily was shared. Father to talk of how much we have to be thankful for. The beauty of life and creation ours to see, hear, experience.

It hit me then, all along I was heard, I was seen, someone was far from indifferent.

God my Father, Mary my Mother and Christ my Brother and Savior not only were then with me but are now.

I am home, now is safe, I have oh, so much to be grateful for.

For I am no longer then.

 

 

 

NEVERLAND

i is stuck in Neverland these days

a place where it feels safe to hide

safe from the big people

secure from problems to big

where one can fly away at whim

laugh and play with abandon

forget

Neverland

but  i know it is not real

rather a trap

a secret room in a game of hide and seek

me searching for me as i hides me

Neverland is more confusing than it is worth

pretending doesn’t make it real

i don’t have pixie dust to fly away from here

to lift me from this trappedness i feel

i scared to fly into the storm that separates

at the swirl of the feelings that sent me here

i find i can’t hide from them no more

i want to go home to me

i want to be brave and tell them to people

leave behind this ghost town of what was

so i need a ride

i never had rides before that i knowed where there

i do now

so to stay is to live a lie

so goodbye Neverland

i am journeying home today

starting even if it takes me awhile

my fairy wings are the back of m guardian Angel

i can even lie there and rest while the storm rages

my angel fights my Captain Hooks for me

i just trust

and believe in my momma Mary and papa God

remember that they want me home

they never ever wanted me to leave

goodnight Neverland

the land i was never meant to live in

home is where i belong

home in Jesus is where i am going.