REBIRTH

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Ah, what an awakening, physically and spiritually.
I woke this morning deep in the arms of God, emotionally so within the presence of heaven and my family there. How I still feel the womb like holding and peace beyond understanding.
As I sat with Papa, He awoke within me this…            78719
I am within the womb of my earthly mother, for she is my mother, naught can change that. It is she who carried me physically within her womb while so full of anger that she was pregnant with me. A hatred for me that I existed directed at me not because I was me, rather because her life was as it was. Yet her emotions flowed to me just as did her essence of life, my me fed of her as I formed.
Thus I found my first me
Now Abba is showing me the truth of my beginning as it is held within his healing hands.
The vision is this…
23452-bI see myself within the womb but not within my mother’s body. I am held by the hands of God, for it is He that formed me and did so right emotionally just as he did physically. The very womb I floated in He holds out to Mary, who is there with Joseph, arm about her shoulder. They too reach out and place their hands upon this womb I am within.
23452-aI hear all of heaven rejoicing as Christ extends His hand. This touch of his redeeming to be gloriously red, as His shed blood pours forth to replace the flow of what was. A red of redemption clears the shadows of self from my forming eyes as a renewed vision is being crafted, saying all else needed.
I was created as all are, within a human womb, but blessed to be held in the very arms of heaven. For salvation transcends all that was to be, foils Satan’s attempt to claim me, one of God’s children
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A curse to be transformed, a blessing to be birthed.
Me that blessing, as all babes are.
                                                                                           Today I begin anew.             GDT_I_Know

DANCE OF ME

 

imagesI am fascinated of late with the word, “Still,” as it seems at times that I can do anything but be just that.

I feel  like a kaleidoscope

The kind you can spin round and witness tiny flecks of color as they rearrange themselves.

Each piece simply lying there, still to become this amazingly beautiful design when brought together in a reflection.

I think, just now, about how when this child’s toy is set aside, it still holds the magic inside. Simply waiting, still.   -

I can feel this very beauty as I sit with Abba and ponder what He is telling me, waking me up to.

I have found myself jittery of late at times, always my silly leg to seem to have a mind of its own when I feel stressed. Next panic comes knocking, and it feels as though I am this toy being shook up.

Thing is, I always have been, just in an unaware way.

Now, I am aware.

No more still in a wrong way, as I am awakening to an awareness of me.

God is showing me this that I understand I have been this kaleidoscope all along. I, left sitting on the shelf, hidden in the pdark that each piece was still and colorless. Unable to spin in the glory of the color within. Listless, quiet, still.

 

No more.

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I am now, within and without, spinning… color clashing in all its glorious splendor. Reflecting back for all to see who look, including myself. I find I want to at times study the different designs I chance upon. Ponder each color’s placement and purpose in the whole, while at others I simply can’t seem to hold still as I explore all the potential within my grasp.

I am becoming self-aware, is how Papa is explaining this to me. Aware of myself on a physical level that is causing more awareness to my thoughts and reactions.

Judgement is waking up as I respond less to the panic, breathe and grasp the knowledge that I have other choices. I can still run for help, or, I can be the big girl I am as I listen to myself and find the solution.

I can be still for all the right reasons as this happens, while realizing that I needn’t freeze or hide in this stillness, no dying to around me.

 

Rather a stillness that is really a wide awake awareness of not leaving the situation, but embracing it as a challenge.  1920440_412596658887293_8785374710647287555_n

As God gives the kaleidoscope of me a twirl…

whispering to me…

 

“Have at it girl, find the beauty of all your created self.”  kaleidoscope-images

 

 

 

UNBROKENS BROKENNESS

 

imagesI saw the movie Unbroken today. How I found parts of it more than I could bear to watch, literally to turn away and hide my eyes as I covered my ears. This man bore so much torture and abuse, day in and day out. The knowing it was a true story is what awoke the emotions in me. A few times during the movie I contemplated leaving, yet Abba compelled me to stay, whispering softly that He had a purpose in prompting me to come watch it. You see, I did so quite spontaneously, as I was leaving Mass today. Simply felt like God was saying, rest today and heal and here is where.

imagesI have learned over the years of my healing journey not to question or doubt where I am lead, for the most seemingly pointless, small or random has been pivotal to my progress. So it was today.

As the Lord helped me to cringe less the emotions flowed. I still struggle with feeling, the intensity of it, floods me always, overwhelms no more but still feels so close to doing so. Each crack of that stick I felt, every blow hit home with me. I understood his cowering in defense as he endeavored to shield himself. How I could read the confusion in his expression when doing as asked led to more abuse. The torturing of the mind and emotions as bruised and scarred as the body, as the abuser sought to break his spirit.

This is where he remained unbroken, promising God that if He would be His strength that he survive, his life would be His.                         images

Do you see the brokenness before God that upheld him? His yielding the very source of his staying strong?

So it is with me. I am broken, I know this now. My parents choices of sin against me saw to that. How could I grow deprived of the essence of it? I couldn’t, not as I should have. My body matured and left me behind, my mind became my escape that I was lost, a prisoner of a childhood war. Scarred and weary, lost to another’s war.

Yet, just as the American forces came to the rescue of the POW’s so the forces of Heaven have for me. I was never alone, never abandoned or forgotten. This is a truth I know to the depth of me. Many times my angel stood between my abusers wrath and me as God stayed their hand upon me. Much was endured, yes, yet my spirit knows much more could have been that wasn’t. In witnessing the horror of another’s abuse I came to realize this. As his abuser fell apart emotionally I wondered what could have made him that way? I pitied him that he to was a victim to his choices, unknown to him, but true just the same. A truth I must accept in relation to my abusers as well.

The ending of the movie showed me why God had me stay.   imgres

He returned home looking much as he did when he left, on the outside, not inside.  I too, traversed my childhood presented one way while living another.

As his family came forward they embraced him, they knowing in their hearts that he was more and less than stood before him. Tears flowed for the reunion but surely for the pain and suffering they knew he endured as well. How this has been for me as well, the family of God, earthly to have thrown their arms wide and welcomed me to healing. Taken me in while knowing there is so much unseen that needs love as well.

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The greatest of love this man found in Christ he then extended to those who needed it most, his captors. He returned to Japan and sought them out that he might make peace with them through forgiving each and every one. My dammed emotions broke upon reading that, the truth to flood me that God would have me make peace with my abusers as well, within myself for now. Only He knows if more is needed but I leave that with Him for now.

God showed me heaven as He does so oft, brought me home to be with my family of God. Momma Mary, Papa God and my loving Jesus. How oft we sit together and how sweet and precious those times are. He showed me more though, reminding me that I have an earthly family too. The sweetness of His embrace to awaken within me this…

Someday perhaps my parents and I can embrace on heaven’s side. I can know the joy of telling my older brother I forgive him. Who am I to judge their choices, Jesus whispered to me, when He has forgiven me beyond mine.

I am no one without Him, His saving grace, mercy and forgiveness are my redemption.

So I am to extend to others, beginning with those it is hardest to do so with.

Prayer the key, always that opens the doors of my healing to crack this one as well.

Because of and by God’s power with in me and the Jesus’ redemptive blood I will pray for my parents and brother, for all those others who used me, bought me and beat me. It won’t be easy, I am thankful for the journey of my Lord’s life and the power of His Crucifixion example to lead me.

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“Father, forgive them, they knew not what they did.”

Perhaps one day I shall experience running into my Momma’s arms, looking upon my Father’s hands as I hold them, Nodding to my brother as our hearts unite as family was meant to.

The joy to be for me, beyond the embrace, in the knowledge that they too have found forgiveness for themselves, yielded to God and been saved.

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised.

11181015_800Unbroken is a 2014 American war drama film, produced and directed by Angelina Jolie, and based on the 2010 non-fiction book by Laura Hillenbrand Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption. The film revolves around the life of USA Olympian and athlete Louis “Louie” Zamperini, portrayed by Jack O’Connell. Zamperini, who died on July 2, 2014, at the age of 97, survived in a raft for 47 days after his bomber was downed in WWII, and was sent to a series of prisoner of war camps.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unbroken_%28film%29

 

BEYOND THE NEON

d74abc49badf5ed17aa97b8d4c616b60I have noticed something about myself of late.

A subtle change that feels big, the kind that when put into words seems to beg the question, “And?” When in reality it is much like a flashing Neon Light. A sign that draws your attention simply because it is there. Blinking non-stop, bright, there even in the corner of your eye kind.

I feel like I have been this neon light. As if my me has been standing still while moving, pulsating with the colors of life, spilling forth in wonder, twirling about flashing, as I have found the rhythm of a childhood missed.

I have loved these colors, embraced them fully inside and out. My home is full of them visually as well as whimsically. Pinks and purples to greens and blues, they are all here representing the flowing  of my hearts depth of feeling,

A feeling of childhood.

Of happiness like  a smiley face sticker is how that happiness feels, almost that I am wearing one, which is making me smile even now. Remember I am visual writer, picturing just that now.

I feel as though I have been gifted with the glow of living, see myself pulsating as each beat of my heart feeds this through me, color flowing til it can’t help but b

Which brings me to my point, this is a child’s perspective in a way, one where life is lived in the cascading joy of simply being alive, the carefreeness of spinning round and round in a field, free to roll down the hill and embrace that moment in of itself while at the same time the flow of life moves you along.

Everything begging to be explored and embraced, full of why’s, when’s and where’s, that simply propel  you forward into more of life.

Neon, is how I would describe childhood as it is meant to be lived and embraced.

I have had my neon gifted to me as part of my healing. For quite awhile I am coming to realize. This gift has been one of time and patience, caring and kindness wrapped in an awareness of me. Memories created to replace those that never should have been that the brightness of them, their very existence to be what draws my heart forward.

Forward from Neon to Pastel.

I still love color but find the flashy and bright, isn’t always what catches my eye these days. I like the muted tones as well, the soft warmth they instill in me causing me to feel safe and settled.I now prefer to sit in that same field, to lie upon the field and find stillness as the clouds pass by slowly full of a caressing softness. The wind whispers to me if I but listen and the whole of living finds me.

I pause awhile even now, to find myself drawn to this field, within for now to be experienced sometime later. But, oh, how I am transported there even now.

Neon has passed as all childhood do.

Now, before me lies a field of wildflowers, begging crossing.

A slower journey this one will be, in the experiencing.

One of holding still a choice not instinct, where the stillness is a time of healing, as my me is awake.

Life to be embraced in the quiet moments, in the wisps of love sent my way.

I am growing up and I like it.

My soul set free upon the wind of my Father, God’s mighty healing gift of life.

As I am becoming Woman

“The spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life.” Job 33:4 (KJV)

“And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.”

Genesis 2:7 (KJV)

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LET ME IN!

120203_warmth_in_a_cold_night_by_photoflake-d5toknrIt surprises me how even just the thought of typing these words causes the fear to rise. My breath feels, oh, so short…the air around me inadequate to supply what it was created to. Surely there is no oxygen for me, not enough to make breathing possible. Not clean, fresh air for sure.

No.

To breath or talk is forbidden. Movement only attracts attention, so don’t move. To look at them? My parents?

No.

For to do so brought unwanted attention. Wrong, dirty and painful. Eyes and touch full of hate.

No.

Safer to be invisible.

So my little me learned as a child. More than learned, really. Rather, such was ingrained upon me. My childhood prison camp tattoo.

My No”s to be really my yes’s.

My mind to say yes, hide!

My body to block the external feeling as my heart did the internal.

It’s not cold, I am warm..yet how that possible? I am small and naked, outside, abandoned in a can. It is winter, as the hail rat-a-tats upon the lid. I focus on the sound to take my mind within, to journey away from present and hide in pretend.

NO! I SAY NOW, I WAS COLD!

I WAS LONELY, SAD AND FORLORN.

ABANDONED…

i was more than that then and i am more than that now, I whisper to my me, as i drift away.

This was my me of then, one that is doing more than waking up.

Yes.

i am moving. from then to now

from within to without

no more hidden from myself

cold exists, i feel it these days. It fascinates me that my eyes cry as they feel it too, stingy. My ears tingle, us too as my hands look the same but beg for warmth as well. A coat that once felt undeserved and stifling now wraps me in comfort and coziness. I even find I want a hat upon my head, i want ALL OF ME to feel this cold that they can embrace the warmth.

Warmth of heart and home, of belonging and seeing and existing to experience…

everything.

My parents left me out, in the cold, locked away from life…

My Papa, God is letting me in.

That’s what true Papa’s do.

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In my dreaming this night I woke myself sure someone was pounding at my front door, only to find no one there. Yet, I was so sure i heard pounding. I stood there a moment confused then opened the door and looked out wondering who would be out in this rainy, wintry mix? i even checked the other doors as i was so sure i had heard that house rattling knocking. As i stood still and breathed the cold, crisp air, i looked up  The night dark, yet i felt safe. I shivered as the air told me it was cold, my feet reminding me they liked socks now. As i turned to go back in, realizing no one was outside that it must have been a dream, i paused, my hand upon the knob.

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i smiled in my discomfort at my reflection in the window.

now i understood.

it was me knocking, little me from then.

for she knows now that she can look up and into eyes

YES

i can breathe as i walk, no more still    o

YES

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bundled up and warm, cozy even

I stepped inside then, smiled that i could.

i the one who shut and locked the door, only though to keep out the cold and night.

i inside.

Now i lie in my bed, sharing this nights healing journey. so full of Papa’s presence.

i shall go now, snuggle beneath my blankets, warm and safe. hold the love of God and Mama Mary close and sleep.

outside of me, inside of life.

my Papa’s Words my doorway out to in,

“I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” 

                                                                          John 14:6 (KJV)

STILL

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SILENT THOUGH MY INFANT CRY,                                                                                 STILL YOU HEARD MY WAILING

FEARFUL TODDLER UNMOVING,
STILL YOU WAITED FOR ME

LONELY IN UNWANTEDNESS
STILL YOU SOUGHT ME OUT

CLOTHESLESS AND FILTHY
STILL YOU LOOKED UPON ME

SHIVERING AND SAD,
STILL YOU SMILED AT ME

CONFUSED UNTO LOST,
STILL YOU TOOK MY HAND

DROWNING IN SORROW,
STILL YOU WIPED MY TEARS

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TERRIFIED, DOUBTING                                                 ,

STILL YOU HELD ME STILL YOU LOVED ME
STILL YOU KEPT ME
STILL YOU DO                                                                                                                                                                                                       image010image004FOREVER YOU WILL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CORRIDORS

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I have chosen to post this one unedited as given to me of God last night.

 

i find myself walking the halls of my past. i am not alone, my hand is held i feel it even as it seems that i cannot see by whom for when i look up it is as a flickering shadow, one that enlightens my heart to all who have had and are holding me not just of this earth for heavens grasp is here too i ponder this image I slowly smile both within and without as the meaning of this vision from my Abba is understood. some people have their family trees that are rooted here on earth, ties to generations that they claim with pride i don’t i am the tree uprooted, cast aside to wither and die cut up and burned that even the fragrance of my passing is gone upon the wind cut off from this tree. Still i smile still all is as it should be this is what my God is telling me with a whisper so soft it caresses my heart. “come little one, walk with Me.” I have a choice, I feel it, to stand still as i am or to move forward How i trust this awesome God of mine, memories of all the times He kept me in the dark despair of my childhood abuse, always He was there. i hold His hand tight, i whisper, “Yes.”

And… so it begins

Behind us are many doorways, those of past, of little me. They are darkened now, the lights turned off, as each reflects a soft glow of keeping. Within sleeps the many mes of my abuse. Each to have found love on this journey of healing Abba has me on. To look back leaves me contented, for i know that glow. Beside each sits my true Mother, Mary. as before each door stands my mes Angel. Stands tall and ready that no more harm come to this part of me, that the healed wounds stay just that, all attempts to harm this child shall fail.

So it goes door after door.

As I turn forward, nodding to Abba that I am ready, I can feel the safety behind. All is well with little me.

My smile widens, for the shadows are of all those who have been my family tree unto me, brave. strong souls that have done what was needed to enter those rooms, many that had been barred, sealed shut with lock upon lock upon lock set, no key to be found.

These are they who will travel forward with me, those of this earth and heavenly hosts as well. The flickering is not that they are leaving, it is rather. that each beat of my heart shows me another.

I am safe, loved, belong… grafted in of God.

Growing forward. awaiting, many doors still seen, but this time the way is lighted, brilliant with the glory of the Lords army that lines the way. Angels at guard before many of the doors, others within. fighting the battles already in a forward defense.

This time the journey will be different, oh it shall still have its battles, tears will flow and pain will need faced and claimed, but there will be no childish holding on, no clinging to what is old and worn, valueless.

No.

This time I shall go boldly forward, steps taken with purpose, fully planted as I keep my eyes open.

I am climbing the Everest of my God

Going where fear has kept me from going before

Walking the corridors of life

Rather than self

As I was meant to all along

~Tammy Anne of God ❤

MOMMA MARY

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I read this poem recently while browsing other’s blogs. I actually read it the day I wrote ?, oh how it stirred the longing of that writing to even deeper desire, longing, want. It felt as though a fire had been lit, one of give me, please… I need and want love…. now, now, now.

At first I was even a bit angry, “Why, God, would you show me this and intensify my struggle? Not good timing, Abba, not at all,” to be my inner ranting.  How childish of me, for Papa, God, He always has the timing just as it should be. A loving parent responds with what is best for their child, not what their child thinks is best for them.

So, with my loving Father doing just that, purpose came from “His timing.”

Read on and see how tender-hearted He was unto me in all my tantrums, “love me, anyone, for my Momma  didn’t”

 

A Child’s Angel

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born.

So one day (s)he asked God:

They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?

Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for You and will take care of you.

But tell me, here in Heaven, I don’t do anything else but sing and smile, that’s enough for me to be happy.

Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel’s love and be happy.

And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don’t know the language that men talk?

Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will

ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.

And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?

Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.

I’ve heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?

Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.

But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.

Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly:

Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name

Your angel’s name is of no importance, you will call your angel:

Mommy

(Author Unknown)

 

Do you feel it? The sweetness of these penned words, of all our hearts are meant to hold at the simple thought or whisper of, “Mommy?”  This poem lingered upon my heart most of that day and into the next. I simply didn’t know what to do with it, I yearned for that word to be mine to claim, even now with my Mother dead, gone. It is simply the way of a child’s heart to do so, hence, I left that with Abba while asking Him to fulfill this craving.

My how He did.

??????????????????????????????????????While at our ladies church meeting, CCW, God drew near is such an intimate way, one you may not understand as being possible, yet, is. He shared His Mother, Mary, my Lord and Saviors Mommy. As we recited the closing Hail Mary’s, I was drawn to look upon the statue of her. Christ to fill me with what He felt for her as His Mother. To share with me what it was to be loved of her, cared for and wanted, despite all it would mean to her heart. She kept it all in her heart, loved knowing her heart would be pierced as well. “How I heard God whisper, “Let Mama Mary love you. She understands pain and longing, she desires to hold you tight and love you right. Be at peace this night upon your bed, tucked in of Her and watched over of Me.”

So, I did. I spent time in prayer that night, sitting with in the arms of the Sweetest Mother ever, opening myself to the Holy Spirit to connect us, to lead me emotionally to where God would take me. I sat with love that night, and all the days since.

Slowly the need to leave, as I realized,

“I am loved…

I am home…

I have a Mother…

her name is Mary.”

 

LET

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How this simple little word can so confound me at times.

My Momma wouldn’t let me love her, she would say, “Don’t you dare to think I care or that you are allowed. who do you think you are that anyone would want you or your love?”

My Papa wouldn’t let me alone, my older brother wouldn’t let it be.

While others, let it happen.

Let, let, letting.

I said something to someone yesterday that sat with me through out the day and night, “Thank you for letting me love you.” It doesn’t seem right in some way to say it that way, even as it makes perfect sense to my heart.

Love isn’t about letting or not letting, it is about being and not being. Being there right, not being there wrong. It is the actions visited upon us.. or not..

It is the nature of God lived out to all, of kindness and gentleness, words pondered and spoken gently even in correction.

imagesI am twisted yet with this one, I feel it. Knotted inside with gratitude and confusion all one

My small abused me to wonder why she would let me love her while the healing part of me dares to grasp at her response, “It’s easy.”

Me, Tammy, easy to love..

Loved not of Father, Mother, Brother or Husband. My love given, so fully, rebuked.

Now, here, this women of God, along with so many others past and present on my healing journey, love me.

Let me

Be a part of their lives,

Welcome my presence,

Help me, see me, hear me.

I have nothing to let happen

I needs must let, letting, go

For in the end, it is God Who allows all things to be

even for me

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so i let go…      and…      let Him