LITTLE DO THEY KNOW

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imgres“Mary, did you know?” is one of my favorite songs. Did she know what her baby boy was destined for? Did she know how her, “Yes, Lord,” would resound through the ages? Did she know?

I wonder that today about folks around me. I wonder, “Do they know how much they have touched my heart?” Do they know that some of the simplest acts they extend to me reach to the depth of my heart and soul?

I think they don’t.

How could they unless they understand the horror of my childhood?

To understand is to have lived it and I am thankful they haven’t.

Yet they know some, and in that knowing they show and give me so much. Often unknown to them.

So it was today.

A hug, a kiss upon my cheek and an, “I love you,” that, totally took me by surprise. Stopped me in my tracks as I looked in wonder at him.

Simple everyday acts to most, so amazing to me.12208744_10153124353932371_5603922646054908791_n

You see, my earthly father is dying soon. I have been confounded by this, confused in how I feel. Sad at times, for what should have been as a daughter, while empty at others because of what was that shouldn’t have been. Mostly I simply accept that he is passing as all humanity does and I pray that God grant him mercy.

Then today, someone who is a Father to my friend,  treated me with the dignity a father should a daughter.

I am proud of myself that I don’t feel all like I am his daughter, that was a struggle for me in the past. The overwhelming desire to claim someone for my Father and Mother.

No, this is different.

10670081_10153769347959916_6536740439532913225_nI simply cry at the way it felt to feel safe in a father figures arms, safe in the world, loved right, mattering as someone not something.

I feel as though I can’t say this right, I do know, I feel it right.

It is as though it is an it’s alright your daddy is leaving, others here and now, your family of God, we have you.

We will keep you

We will love you

And we will give it all with Christ like love

Safe

Secure

And as love is meant to be

http://fascinately.com/feel-good/2014/11/incredible-performance-of-mary-did-you-know-will-get-you-in-christmas-spirit/

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DAUGHTER OF THE DAY

 

But friends, you’re not in the dark, so how could you be taken off guard by any of this? You’re sons of Light, daughters of Day. We live under wide open skies and know where we stand. So let’s not sleepwalk through life like those others. Let’s keep our eyes open and be smart. People sleep at night and get drunk at night. But not us! Since we’re creatures of Day, let’s act like it. Walk out into the daylight sober, dressed up in faith, love, and the hope of salvation.

1 Thessalonians 5:5-8 (MSG)

ddec1873af74721f9d8b2c7c1b45a250Daughter of the Day, I heard this phrase at church last week. It struck me then and has been with me since.

Daughter of the Day.

It made me feel secure at first. Safe. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to Abba, God that I am safe now from the darkness of the abuse. That I need not fear the descent of night anymore or the darkness of memories.

Daughter of the Day, His day, light and love mine, here and now.

As the week passed I felt it even more. An awakening is happening. I am as one emerging from a cocoon, from Darkness into Light, from Night into Day.

All of me is awakening to this truth, to being alive, Night always meant death to me, of body, feelings and my existence. Day would often bring a continuance of those horrors so I was trapped in night. Living in darkness of the truth of even my.

No more.

As a Daughter of the Day I feel me. I am finding how amazing life is and discovering myself.

It started with washing my hands. I to be enthralled with the feel them, the emerging of the bubbles while rubbing them together. The water so crisply cold or warm. I splashed it on my face and marveled at the wonder of being clean, feeling clean, wanting to be so and knowing I can.

Sounds ridiculous to many of you, and that’s ok, it is only for those who never have had that the understanding exists. I am thankful there aren’t more that havent.

Now?

my body is awakening. I am finding a deep love of music to the point that I dance with it, hang on the words and smile. Hunger finds me that I cannot ignore it and full follows with a realization that I can eat whenever I want so its ok to stop when my body says enough. The way emotions flow from head to toe, waking up to feeling my body. Knowing when I am tired and need rest. Not judging myself harshly or pushing to hard. Even understanding that my mind to has it’s limits.

I am a Daughter of the Day. His Day, My life His.

Tammy of God, awakening to all that living is.

 

CORE REACTOR

thI realized something today about me.

It began with getting dressed this morning. As the weather changes and I find myself aware of the cold as part of my healing I want to dress warmer. Perhaps some long sleeves or maybe even a sweater, I will think. I have some, ones that have caught my eye because they are purple, some because they feel so soft and I imagine how comforting it would feel against me. I get them, but wearing them, that’s a whole nother story.

You see, I panic. Become all frantic and paranoid. Just have to rip them off or I can’t breathe. Then I stand there lost, fighting for control. striving to ground myself to here and now. For to be warm is just one of the many things I was denied for a period of my childhood, that now I struggle to accept. I can know I am cold while convincing my body I am not. Safer to not need and such.

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Or so it can seem. But I am healing enough that I know when I am perceiving wrong sometimes, knowing needs to lead to changing. So, today, I spent time with Abba asking Him to help me understand this panic and apprehension. To understand that I may overcome.

He opened my heart to the truth of these feelings. Helped me to fathom that they are being fed of something. One doesn’t just panic unless they are panicking about something. I wondered, why am I apprehensive.?

What is the core reactor issue.

Then I knew. It is fear. Plain and simple. Fear.

This surprised me, I thought I had this fear thing under control. I mean, I don’t run away and hide like I used to. I share with people instead of keeping things bottled up. I trust my Lord, I feel safe in my home, safe in the life God has given me. “How can this be fear,” I thought.

But Abba always bring me to truth, so I needed to stop asking how and denying the fear. I need to turn to my Jesus and give the fear to Him.

I know this won’t be easy, I know I will need help and will have to push myself. Time to thank the Lord for my body and the way He created it, hear and feel what it is telling me. Treat it with love and respect. Dress it warm, even wear shoes more.

Allow my Abba to change my core, to one that learns to love me as my fear is yielded to Him.

His Peace the only kind of core reaction I desire.

A ME DAY

l

TODAY WAS A ME DAY

ONE THAT WAS ABOUT ME

FULL OF RESTING

LAZINESS

AND RELAXING

QUIET TIME WITH ABBA

PEACEFUL COLORING

THOUGHTFUL PUZZLE MAKING

NAP TIME

-SNUGGLE WARM IN BED KIND

EATING WHEN HUNGRY

STOPPING WHEN FULL

TALKING WITH FRIENDS

WATCHING POINTLESS TV

DOING WHAT I WANTED

NOT DOING WHAT I DIDN’T

I THINK I CHILLED OUT.

EMOTIONS WERE OK

MEMORIES SMILING KIND

LIGHTS ON

NO DARKNESS

h

A LIFE AS LIFE IS DAY

GOOD

NEEDED

HAD

A ME DAY

FOR ME

REIMAGINE YOU AS YOU!

I don’t often reshare, but this has so much truth that I am. Praying it blesses you as much as it did me.

Reimagine You as YOU!
To be subjected to sexual trauma and abuse distorts how you think about yourself. If you had these experiences when you were growing up, you came to conclusions about your value. If a predator or a passive bystander didn’t value you, your boundaries, or your humanity, it’s pretty easy for you to believe that you have no value or personal rights. If you had these experiences after you became an adult, where you once might have felt empowered and able to take care of yourself, you now know that you weren’t as strong or empowered as you needed to be.
These experiences shape – or re-shape – how we think about ourselves. We hear it from survivors all the time: “I feel as if part of me died.” The actions of predators and the inactions of passive bystanders twist in your mind and heart until you begin to see yourself as they saw you. You begin to value yourself as they valued you. Their warped disregard for you and your well-being often translates into a kind of personal derailment of the life you should have been able to live.
The tricky part of recovery is to be able to pull apart the tentacles of lies that have attached themselves to your soul. It is to untangle the deception and free yourself from its grip.
Think about how the actions of the predators and passive bystanders communicated their view of your worth. Now, ask yourself if you believe THEIR value system. If you can see it for what it is – that you have accepted THEIR twisted reality – then you can insist on redefining yourself in ways that are true to your value and personal rights.
Here’s a fact: they were wrong. Not only in what they did – their actions – but in how they devalued you. They were wrong. They were wrong, wrong, wrong! Got it?
So, take their definitions of you and dump them in the garbage where they belong. Take the time to think about yourself, untethered from their warped ideas. Reclaim you. Reimagine YOU, not as they saw you, but as you see – or want to see YOU.  And remember: “Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life”
(Golda Meir).
Written by Sallie Culbreth and Anne Quinn
©2015 Committed to Freedom / STAARR – Sexual Trauma and Abuse Recovery Resources

WHEN MONSTERS WERE REAL

th

I like my home, the way I feel safe and secure here. Even living alone, I am not afraid of nights descending as darkness settles in. I used to be, for a very long time.

thI would cower inside, doors locked, all lights on. Cellar and attic doors included. Fearful of inside as much as I was outside.

For monsters were real to my little me inside.

No where safe, unless I was hiding.

Hiding not only from people but even myself.

camouflaging me, from me.

that the Monsters that found me at night be vanquished by day

Or so I thought

So i pretended

Thing is, vanquished need be day and night, else it isn’t vanquished at all

lMonsters

So many in such a vast array of sizes and shapes

old ones from my childhood abuse tat spawned new ones in my adulthood

monsters that were

to become monsters that are.

such was my existence

Such isn’t any more

Monsters that were real, are no moreth

Oh, they make noise now and again, trying to find me, for such is the nature of all monsters

Yet noise is all it is, nothing more unless I choose to allow it to be

For what I have learned is that these monsters are only as big as I see them to be

They are so far in the my past, it is the shadow of them that causes them to seem so big

Shadows from what was that have no chance is the sun of what is

They are hungry for me

but I am no longer theirs, i am not for sale or taking, or throwing away

i am not going to cower any longer,

no!

th

i turn my back on them, i stand sure with my Jesus

I shout to them that they can raise their heads all they want, it is good that they do, for it reminds me of all i have been redeemed from

i will thank them for reminding me, i will scare them away with my praises to God

for these monsters are no monsters at all

never ever more real than my Jesus.

 

“No matter how much darkness you see in the world around you, My Light continues to shine on, for it is infinitely more powerful! Because you are My child, this Light shines not only upon you but also within you.” -Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 262                          11986564_10153570665858864_7924698577948721954_n

NAPPING MY HEART

thi curl upon my bed, my me here

Feeling so much I never have before

I find that I feel safe lying down

Warm and secure beneath the covers

Not in a cowering or hiding way

as of old

beds are safe, I am finding

memories too

as I lie here

th

no more wrong wanting chasing me in my dreams

no more confusion within my heart

i am liking this new

loves unwrapping bit by bit

real love as love really is

fleeting touches that linger for days

k

butterfly kisses kind of ones

eyes full of seeing

me

smiles that curve more than the mouth

reaching my heart

I lie here

sleeping not

body resting, yes

within so alive

lcascading truth washing over me again and again unto again

doors are open waiting for me

lights left on

inside is belonging, warmth and love

i am kept out in the open

free to come and go

playing allowed

sharing encouraged

truth what matters

heard and seen

found

j

all of this passes through me

again and again

my form learning from it

to rest

finding what truth is

even for me

my heart            th

long last

at rest

WAS, WASN’T/IS, ISN’T

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[ (2)I stand before a mirror these days, many mirrors

For within I am but a House of Mirrors

To look within one is to see another

Stretching back to was and wasn’t, as far as my inner eye can see

Each mirror seems magical

In a curious sort of way

 

.For though they are now

They show me then

To stare into one is to glimpse a was

While living an is

I have fallen down the Rabbit Hole

Where up is down, down is up

Then and Now having collided

It is so easy to keep my eyes downcast

To hide

;This I am good at

To hide was safe, then

To touch wasn’t

Reaching out was fearsome

Withdrawing secure

My mirrors show me all of this

Hiding is not safe, now

For it will end all that has begun

jSo, I lift my head

Open my eyes

To see

What is

What isn’t

To shatter the lies

With the truth

thI am not alone

So I can smile in all my then fear

I am surrounded of Heaven

Mama Mary beside me now

Holding my hand reassuringly

All of Heaven here

 

thFor many of my mirrors reflect my Momma of then

I was to not touch her

Never to look her in the eye

To want attention meant harm

“See me Momma,”

The unuttered cry of my child’s heart

thI look rather upon Momma Mary

She smiles back

This is safe

So I reach out

Hesitantly, unsure

I touch ever so lightly

To find no rebuke in doing so

My touch welcome

I accepted

thThe  mirror cracks

Was and Wasn’t shattered

As Is and Isn’t remain

I have many such mirrors

Within my house of me

Yet, mirrors is all they are

Easily vanquished

 

thPieces to lie at my feet

The colors of now

Reflected in them

A rainbow

Of love within

 

th

 

 

Upside down

Turning right side up

 

 

 

IN THE TELLING

thSo little can seem like so much sometimes.

This morning does. A simple dream, puzzled together of past and present, like an awakening.

These times are like rising from a fog, limbs heavy with the emotions of the memories as I must choose.

There are forces within, battling, you see. Past and present swirling about, vying for me.

These are the hardest of hard times for me. How I simply want to go back to sleep, to hide in slumber.

Waking is never easy these days.

Grounding myself in the present is what is needed, the only way out.

thAbba is always with me, I have all of my heavenly family watching me and drawing me out, I see them and love them, beckoning smiles and arms held open, inviting really. I always look to heaven first, my true home, my heart’s sanctuary. This is my present truth, that which floods me with emotions that are present to drown out past, the angels sing the glory of our Lord, and I can open my eyes.

Yet, humanity is still where I am, thought I would love to sit at Heavens gates all the day, life calls. I am reminded, as I turn to embrace the day that my Abba has purpose for me here, I am honored to fulfill it and serve Him.

How much I am loved and seen and heard.

Heard being the one He is waking me too now, In the telling.

Someone told me a few days ago that I, “Can tell them anything, that they want me to.” How I have sat with these words. Such a flood of emotions flows from my head to my toes as I savor the, I, Tammy, can tell.

In the telling shall be no more secrets…  no more hiding… no shame,  no matter the horror…

In the telling I can free the nightmares that haunt me, loose the bonds of then… find release

In the telling lies are shattered that the truth of them burst forth, shiny and bright, dispelling darkness.

I feel these words to such a depth, “I can tell.” It is as a vanguard before Satan that shouts, “I am telling! You have no power, for Jesus loves me and has given me someone to tell! Go away, I am washed clean in the blood of Christ, I am innocent. It wasn’t my sin and it won’t become it!”

In this someones listening I am safe, heard and free of blame. I am given understanding and love, seen as a person not an object. I find that I have a voice, my feelings matter, consequences are not the end of the world and won’t bring me harm.

In the telling I feel so shattered sometimes, the gentlest of touches to take me by surprise, voices to reach me in the fog, as I find it clearing.

thIn the telling the fog will lose…

For In the telling…

I am rising with the Son.

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”

 Romans 8:34-39 (MSG)

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

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Childhood Sexual Abuse
Have you ever really stopped, when hearing that someone is a survivor of this, to consider what it means for them?
Of course, the word sex, impacts you immediately with horror.
As it should.Rape on any level, is horrible, make no mistake, no matter the gender or the age.
Imagine if this is all you knew, from birth, from your Father…
While neglect and hate came from your Mother?
How would this impact one?
What I would like you to consider is this, that you can pray for these survivors as truly needed…
Here is what God is showing me are the emotional scars I am left to carry from this, for my childhood was such.

The child is left with only this…                                        1150942_10152396047275337_1559162884_n

Love is sex, for sex is the only love I have known
Thus sex must be love too.

Touching has no boundaries
You have no rights.

Everything that happens to others is your fault,
Since you started it all by being born.

You wanted it to happen

No one cares since you are no one

Your sole purpose is to serve others wants

And on and on the list of twisted perspective you are fed goes, the pattern to continue, often, into adulthood. Why wouldn’t it? It is all the child understands.

11258170_859489487421752_76759078975919314_nI mean, think about it.

As a child…

Attention = sex
Being heard = sex
Being seen = sex
Touched? Sex

You get the picture? Sense the turmoil? Feel the frustration, the confusion, the utter lostness to understanding right from wrong? How twisted I was, how lost my heart.

How cruelest of cruel is childhood sexual abuse.

How betrayed I was of my parents.

All of this to be what my marriage was based upon, with my husband not showing me different.

How blind I was.

How Great is our God, that I am no more.

Being awakened to all the truth of what I endured, was horrible, hard, and overwhelming on so many levels

I have had to share things I don’t want to know or acknowledge let alone tell

There is no holding back the tide once the dam is broken

Only in facing the truth of what was can the truth of what is replace it

thTruth is that I am loved, outside of sex
My Lord heard me even then, outside of sex
He saw me and wept for me, sees me now, outside of sex
Sits with me in my Spirit, communes with me, touching my heart, outside of sex.

Sex isn’t the sin I thought it was
It is a gift
One that was used against me
That doesn’t make the gift wrong
It was given wrong

Someday, perhaps, God will give me the experiencing of this gift right,
In marriage, a true one, built on giving, not taking
Or, perhaps, He won’t.

Thing is, He already is, in a sense
He has given me such a depth of His love and presence that it is enough no matter the future.

He is my Father, my Soul Mate, the Lover of my Soul.

Everything I need He supplies, I find no greater joy then in giving Him my all.

The past is done, the new begun.

The surviving done

That the thriving begun.