But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV
This morning I woke up feeling lost and alone. Trickles to slowly track their way out of the corners of my eyes and pool in stains upon my pillow.
I don’t panic anymore, when I wake up with feelings, they are what they are but I am only what I allow them to make of me.
I laid here awhile with Abba, just letting the trickle flow, no more hiding allowed, holding in only creates pressure til I blow.
I am tired of blowing up.
Abba is showing me how these trickles are release, how they can flow from me, collected of Him and become this stream of healing waters. He shows me how I can lie within them and rest, not worry about their source as He purifies them. The frozen icecaps of emotions denied, bound up and locked away melting to be these crystal clear waters of now.
This is where He has me, showing me and teaching me that I am His now girl.
The tears and running still now as I say this, for He is showing me this morning that I have been a thief.
Thieving to survive much like a child on the streets of Calcutta does
Mine to be an emotional thieving
You see I can be with folks in all the wrong ways, past ones.
I want family and I can pretend others is mine
I crave touch and I can watch someone getting a hug and draw from that to satisfy wishing it was mine
I steal smiles sent others way and pretend they passed me by on the way to them
I thieve to survive emotionally
In the end robbing myself
I have so much love in my life from not only my God, but people too
I am no longer hidden away or cast out
I am inside
So I must choose
I must break the bonds of these old habits of survival or they will rob me of now as then did so long ago
It is so hard to let go, to say I am me here I am and what you can give is sufficient
I am oh so childish in wanting so much more, all of people
Help me Abba to make You my all that I turn to you
For hugs and holding, a whisper to my heart, the twinkle of an eye upon me
I don’t want to live off of stealing anymore
Open my eyes and heart to the treasures surrounding me that are already mine
Take my eyes off of wants
Purge me of my selfish give mes
My childish perspective of need
Hold me tight
Teach me right
I yield, to You, this day…. my sin of thieving.