I read this poem recently while browsing other’s blogs. I actually read it the day I wrote ?, oh how it stirred the longing of that writing to even deeper desire, longing, want. It felt as though a fire had been lit, one of give me, please… I need and want love…. now, now, now.

At first I was even a bit angry, “Why, God, would you show me this and intensify my struggle? Not good timing, Abba, not at all,” to be my inner ranting.  How childish of me, for Papa, God, He always has the timing just as it should be. A loving parent responds with what is best for their child, not what their child thinks is best for them.

So, with my loving Father doing just that, purpose came from “His timing.”

Read on and see how tender-hearted He was unto me in all my tantrums, “love me, anyone, for my Momma  didn’t”


A Child’s Angel

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born.

So one day (s)he asked God:

They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?

Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for You and will take care of you.

But tell me, here in Heaven, I don’t do anything else but sing and smile, that’s enough for me to be happy.

Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel’s love and be happy.

And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don’t know the language that men talk?

Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will

ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.

And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?

Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.

I’ve heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?

Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.

But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.

Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly:

Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name

Your angel’s name is of no importance, you will call your angel:


(Author Unknown)


Do you feel it? The sweetness of these penned words, of all our hearts are meant to hold at the simple thought or whisper of, “Mommy?”  This poem lingered upon my heart most of that day and into the next. I simply didn’t know what to do with it, I yearned for that word to be mine to claim, even now with my Mother dead, gone. It is simply the way of a child’s heart to do so, hence, I left that with Abba while asking Him to fulfill this craving.

My how He did.

??????????????????????????????????????While at our ladies church meeting, CCW, God drew near is such an intimate way, one you may not understand as being possible, yet, is. He shared His Mother, Mary, my Lord and Saviors Mommy. As we recited the closing Hail Mary’s, I was drawn to look upon the statue of her. Christ to fill me with what He felt for her as His Mother. To share with me what it was to be loved of her, cared for and wanted, despite all it would mean to her heart. She kept it all in her heart, loved knowing her heart would be pierced as well. “How I heard God whisper, “Let Mama Mary love you. She understands pain and longing, she desires to hold you tight and love you right. Be at peace this night upon your bed, tucked in of Her and watched over of Me.”

So, I did. I spent time in prayer that night, sitting with in the arms of the Sweetest Mother ever, opening myself to the Holy Spirit to connect us, to lead me emotionally to where God would take me. I sat with love that night, and all the days since.

Slowly the need to leave, as I realized,

“I am loved…

I am home…

I have a Mother…

her name is Mary.”



ddHow sleep evades me of late, night after night, I to wake in the wee hours, the Sandman having abandoned me. I lie there awhile, relaxing, not minding the night, embracing it. The light of the moon illuminates my room, a beam from heaven bathing me. I close my eyes and simply feel.

Every pore of my body to tingle, much as a sleeping foot does when waking up. I like this sensation. I used to not even be aware of the surface of my skin, I had learned young that it was easier to block the pain if it didn’t exist. Waking black and blue with no reason was gentler to my mind. Not feeling spared my heart, not seeing my vision, not hearing my memories.

Blank, that’s what I was.

A black hole unto myself.

rrExcept with my Papa, God. He who shone His heavenly lights upon me in the cast out loneliness of my nights. How I would watch the clouds pass across the window of my tin home, imagine lying on the puffiness of them as the wind brushed my cheek, stroked my hair and the very heavens sung me a lullaby. It is ironic that the safest memories I have of my childhood are the ones of when I was put out in the trash to sleep.

Yet, is it so ironic?

Not really, not knowing my Abba the way I do.

He who loves me so much that He helped me find good in the sin of mankind committed against me.

As my loving father, to care for me against all odds.

I smile even now, much as I did in those days, wrapped of tin but kept in love and heavenly peace

So goes my nights, my dilemma tied to my abuse, those days to free me these days

The awakening to the cold I endured causes  me to sink into the  blissful warmth of my blanket snuggled tight.

I smile as I view the moon, peace to settle as I recall all those nights of sitting with Papa, God.   oo

Thus my dilemma…

I am awake and drawn to prayer, to simply sitting at the feet of my Jesus.

My body to struggle to sleep for it so longs to feel

To leave this earthly plane and sit with my heavenly family

Shall I sleep, shall I go home?

So I ask God to work His purpose in my wakefulness as I settle deep into my bedding, my body still, mind clear, heart open

No dilemma here, simply His leading


How He brings me near, I to sit oh so close as His robes billow about me, enfold me in peace and comfort, I am oh so safe here. We looked into each others eyes, a gaze of understanding, of the intimacy of knowing what the other is thinking without words spoken. For, round about flutters an endless legion of the heavenly host. The wind of their fluttering wings to fan the flames of love I have for my Papa. As we rise, it is to welcome Momma Mary, to complete that which was lost to me. The colors shoot abut, each star streaking by in brilliant array, all of heaven rejoicing, unbelievably, yet true, over me.

I was lost you see, now I am found.     bb     images






I like this word, just the way it rolls of the tongue, full of nonsense sounding even though it is a legit word.

Gobsmacked, pronounced just as it looks. Break it apart and it makes sense.

When I think of a Gob it is to picture a massive amount of something, so much so that it’s astounding, which is a synonym to Gobsmacked.

Then there is the Smacked part, no trouble understanding that one! How I “see” that mound of  “something” as it comes flying at me!

WHACK! WHAM! SHABAM!4165266e6103ccdbc604280f129f6b2a

Sums up what I felt today just perfectly.

aaa (2)I was GOBSMACKED… astounded  at the flood of feeling that hit me, overwhelmed at the realization of what it was even as i staggered internally at the mere thought of it being my truth to claim. How thunderstruck I felt, speechless at the realization of what was gifted to me today, overcome by love.

Not love for someone, rather i felt loved. Me for me. I don’t think I ever felt that on this level before. ee

I have known people care, have had many there for me, but this was different. This was a security kind of love, a knowing  i can be ,me and feel safe. A comfortableness with people, belonging. I feel that i am someone, seen and cared for, wanted around. I count and matter, how i feel does too.

I sat with this feeling a long time tonight, sat with Papa and simply let it crash into me. Again and again i felt it. so overwhelming as it flooded me, remembering that i was safe, hands were not their to use, feet weren’t directed at me in harm. I could be a part of good and right, i fit.


i like fitting. i still feel afraid some, but it is ok cause i am facing it with Abba. He has helped me overcome so much already, given me peace in so many places my body held fear. He will give my heart this same peace, heal me til i am all alright.

angelsi can’t have fear where love is, they are opposites and so don’t fit together.

i can’t find wholeness with opposites…

i want to find that…

so instead i will tell myself as oft as needed…

i am safe, i am loved, i am home…

i am me, someone…

and that’s ok.


-Panic comes out of nowhere at times, simply hits.

How well I recall those early days of healing when they would swallow me up.

Times when I would find a hiding place, literally, seeking the safety and shelter of not being seen as I did when a child. Time to stand still as the flashback hit. I to travel backwards to my abuse, sure that now was then, no escape mine.

eI stand beside you dear fellow survivors, I know how hard these times are, I feel your confusion, grasp your doubt of a way back. But I also want to tell you, “DON’T DESPAIR, THERE IS HOPE!” Yes, a way out exists, and it is found in truth. Not the truth of your abuse, rather, the truth of love, God’s love. The way out is in.  IN turning to God at these times, IN yielding the flashback, IN letting it go as you fall INto His presence. There is more here happening then meets the eyes of our mortal bodies, we must allow God to open our spiritual eyes,  see the realm of the war that is being waged for our souls. Satan is no fool, he knows his way in is to use sin and trickery, the sin lived out against you as the panic attack tricks you into feeling then. Come with me loved ones, come with me now into the Lord’s presence, enter the truth of the war as you experience victory beside your commander and Chief, your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

fI would like to share how a panic attack is for me, outside of Christ.

“The air is thick and heavy, each dust particle a letter that spells my endured. I fear breathing for I will only take in more of these letters, awaken the abuse. As I focus on this I find myself holding my breath in sheer terror, my then to flow through  me. Oxygen to not be life but death. As I yield to this fear my body follows the path of my memories, flashback to ignite like a bomb, that I am consumed of the flames. All of me burning, all of me lost, sure that there is no hope for I am but the ashes of my abuse. I am gone. ”

Now,  journey with me, as we enter the same feeling, the exact moment above with the Lord.

k“The air is thick and heavy as the panic hits. My mind to scream, “Hide!” How all of me desires to do so, to go still, in assumed safety. I turn rather to my Lord, I beseech Him to be my shelter, my hiding place, for He has promised just this in His Word. As I settle into the embrace of my Father, I see truth, the realm of the war being waged. Around me crowds not my abuse, for I am not then but now. No, I am rather surrounded by the minions of hell. They crowd close that I feel I have nowhere to turn. Their breath foul as it taints the air, my air. They do their bidden task well, cackling lies of then in my ears, poking at the fleshly memories of that endured. The more I cringe, the more they laugh and draw closer. Til they accomplish their goal, my fall, my lostness. me gone.”


I look at Papa as He shows me this, the teiars there for the me I see. But, I smile through my tears, for I know this is past me. I am learning and growing in the strength of my Lord. We turn back to watch the victory dance.



q“The air is thick and heavy, it can be none else when the air of then, for then was sin. Then the minions of evil were present, invited there not by me but the one who sinned against me. Now, however is mine. Now is held in the hand of my God. Now is His. The air is thick and heavy, not with panic and fear, with war. A war being waged for me, out of love. One where I am seen and heard, cared for. I to lift my head high in the confidence of my salvation, stare these forces of despair in the eye. How they are the ones cringing now! I take a deep breath, one full of the sweetness of the Holy Spirit. As I exhale the power of the Lord blasts them. They the ones to stumble backwards, to feel the panic and cower.


pI throw my arms wide, slowly turn, full of the indwelling radiance of God. I am not surrounded of my then, I am loosed and free, I am now and me. Looking heavenward I commune with my Abba, this war is not mine. My place is with him in the present, in the life He is building now.  For I am robed in friendship and love, my feet grounded where He would have me serve Him. I am home and the forces of evil slayed. My angels, my appointed guardians, having battled for me. They to surround me now, turned outward that I and my bridegroom be together, to ex;lore our love for each other, to simply get to know one another.”

All is well with my soul… thus… all is well with me, with then and now.   4

Isaiah 61:9-11 (MSG) “I will sing for joy in God, explode in praise from deep in my soul! He dressed me up in a suit of salvation, he outfitted me in a robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo and a bride a jeweled tiara. For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers, and as a garden cascades with blossoms, So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom and puts praise on display before the nations.”


      s  imgres  f

                                                     …WHERE NONE HAS GONE BEFORE!”

Those reading who are a “Trekkie,” as in a fan or lover of Star Trek, will recognize this phrase. For those who aren’t, it is part of the opening line in all of the series from Gene Roddenberry’s Original Star Trek to spin off Voyager.

Yes, I am a Trekkie. I freely admit it. What this means if I am a follower, the kind who makes sure to see any new shows or movies turned out that have any connection. Simply the words, Star Trek, pique my interest.

I woke thinking about this today. God does a lot of healing of me in my sleep. You see, Satan has oft used that avenue to torment me in the past. How he knows my defenses are down then, my conscience ones. The devil will stoop to any and all means to slip his minions in. I have learned that I must be preemptive in regards to sleeping.

Let me explain.

Dreaming is where this happens, yet not really dreaming like we think of it. It is more on a spiritual realm, one where God  shows me His angels are at war for me. On these nights my hours are full of waking from time to time, feeling the Lord’s presence and the weariness of the battle being fought in my memories. Yet it is not like waking from a nightmare,  for though I am worn out I am not beaten down. Though I feel the toil of the spiritual battle I feel God’s strength even more.

It wasn’t always this way.

No, not at all.

How the flashbacks invaded my dreams, how Satan threw them at m, again and again and again. I would approach sleep in fear and trembling, panic attacks to strike and sleeplessness to ensue. Insomnia was defense. As much as I despised it became my safety net, no sleep, no remembering. Fear was what fed my sleepless months, s fear to, “Boldly go, where no man has gone before.”

This another of Satan’s lies. With my nights being where my terror held ground it sure felt like I was alone, seemed like no one before had ever gone here. The night the vastness of the universe, full of alien monsters, my abusers, who were a species unto themselves that I had no desire to encounter.

Then I realized something, God showed me this…

Someone has, “Boldly gone before.”

Someone has gone, “Where,” I needed to go

That Someone being Jesus Christ.

He who spent the night before His Crucifixion, sleepless, weary and alone int the Garden.  How he resisted the Devil when He was praying and fasting for three days in the desert. My Savior, my example.      d

So now, I too, go forth, “Boldly.” Not of my self, never alone, rather in the name of Jesus Christ.

This, my friends and fellow survivors, is the key.


” For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”  Ephesians 6:12 (KJV)

We must beseech the throne of God for the weapons of war, a spiritual one. Cover ourselves in our sleep with the mantel of God’s protection. Call our for the angels to guard and protect us, to be our shield and firewall. Honor them by inviting them to be all God has empowered them to be on our behalf. Thank the Lord in advance for His keeping, for it is in Him we trust.

When I wake, feeling the battle, emotionally, physically and spiritually, it is with rejoicing. No despair. Rather gratitude that I am being purged of the past, emptied of then, more room for the truth and the indwelling of the Holy spirit.

I gladly, “Go boldly where no man has gone before, for the Greatest of Men has”

He who goes beside me now, Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior, He Who is mighty to save.

spiritual warfare


“And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”  

Ephesians 6:10-12 (MSG)







images                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                “I desire, Father God, to grow. I have felt so lost of late, so past when I awaken from sleep. So curled in upon myself. This is not of you. Please open my eyes to see what You do. Show me, Lord, the spiritual battle this is. One that is being waged for the salvation of my soul. I acknowledge this fear that comes knocking, not to claim it, rather to rebuke it. In the name of Jesus Christ, by the power of His blood spilt, I say be gone! Satan is the one who is at work here, yet he has no power, except that which I give. Forgive me for when I have done just that even as You become my strength.

                               I yield the little girl me of then, she who is at the heart of my yearning.                           marysong

I plead before Your throne of grace, for this… to be held tight that I learn right. Tight love, the way You intended for it to be, safe, secure and abiding.

Someone said to me recently to , “Snuggle with the angels.” So, even as I don’t understand how that can be, I ask just such.                                                                     I am Your child, thus You  see me. Send, please, Papa, Your angels to guard me this night.  May their wings be the flutter of kisses upon my cheek. Draw them nigh unto me that I rest in their arms. Wings spread wide in welcoming as I experience their presence. Beautiful wings that are the arms of heaven. As I settle within their safety, help me to feel their truth. Angel wings, so soft and pure, wrapped around me… holding me tight, loving me right.”

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

ange-flying-holding-little-girl   Amen.”