It began as a trickle…
from the inside of me to the outside.
An awakening of newness.
I watched in wonder as a Mother held her daughter, both grown women.
Held her close, as they prayed together and sat in adoration of their Lord’s sacrifice.
I watched as the daughter wept in her Mother’s arms.
Wept and was comforted.
I watched in wonder.
You see, for me, these acts can so amaze me. Cause me to stop and ponder them as I wonder what it would be like to have such? To feel arms about you whenever you long for them, arms from someone who want’s to share theirs in gentleness, togetherness, understanding or even just because they can.
I watch in awe at the ease with which this is shared.
I watch in longing, I cannot deny it.
I wonder sometimes as I am holding my granddaughter close, as my love for her wells up and out, overflowing… what if I was the one receiving this hold. Would it feel different from the other side of it. Is the being comforted as amazing as the giving comfort?
Is the loving physical touch I was denied as a child and wife all it feels it is?
I watched in wonder and took that wonder to my Lord.
I laid myself bare before Him and asked Him to hold me. To take this watching in wonder that is a deep longing and help me to find solace in Him. To please give me a miracle to find what was lost.
To know my Momma’s love.
The love I never had, the love that all children need, the love the part of my heart that is still so small in it’s hurting.
I left this prayer with my Momma Mary, asking her intervention as well, as I said my evening prayers and anointed myself with Holy Water before bed. Then I rose from my prayer bench, slipped into my bed, enfolded in my Guardian Angels wings.
To sleep a deep slumber.
To sleep physically as Abba, God worked His miracle.
He oft comes to me in my dreams, bringing healing that He works through the Holy Spirit.
In the dream I was with a friend who is very dear to me. I asked this friend, please can you just hold me for awhile. Can I feel your arms in more than a quickness to be gone, I need a time of holding. She to smile, as she ever so gently gave me just that.
Her shoulder cushioned my head, her arms encompassing me as her hands comforted. I was aware of her heart beat, slow and steady, peaceful. I let the tears flow as the emotions seemed to ripple up and up and up, but out too. Not caught in me in a swirling cycle as they usually are.
I felt peace.
I found the wonder I watched was mine to experience.
I found an end to my wondering.
I found a cascade of knowing.
Then I spoke, “Thank you, Momma.”
But I was ashamed I had said that because I knew this was my friend, not my Momma. I was so sorry for allowing my heart this confusion. I was afraid my words would turn my friend from me. I felt I had failed somehow.
But then, I dared to pull back and look at my friend, to apologize for my misplaced emotion.
I looked in wonder.
For my friend was not holding me.
No, it was my Momma.
The forgiving her of the abuse and neglect having come full circle.
I having found my Mother’s love.
I slept in wonder.