I wonder, often wonder, just how it would be…
to sit in silence
held by someone who wanted to hold me
Not just a hug in passing
but a holding unto enough
one where I would be the one to end it
because the emotions have been sated
Is it as glorious as it seems to be to rest ones head upon a shoulder while arms are wrapped around you and you are free to simply relax in that hold?
Does peace find you for the emotional need that is confounding you and driving you to those arms?
Will those hands feels as soothing upon your head as they seem they will?
Can one truly and so freely relax with another person and be at ease?
Is there still such for me?
Does the possibility even exist that someday, somehow I will be loved like this?
In gentleness and acceptance?
In it’s ok, I’ve got you?
In you don’t need words because I understand?
In you are loved just for you?
I think not even as I hope so.
I am lost these days. Adrift upon the seas of my years alone. Remembering the life rings thrown to me that have keep me afloat, finding the memories don’t sustain me like they used to. The longing for belonging here and now fed of the missing out my life has been.
The tears to cause the waters to rise that i am sinking.
For I am finding the lost child me so much of late.
Seeing the discarded me my Mother so easily tossed aside while choosing my brother. Feeling the lost emotions of that held as she watched her sibling is fed and held, played with and smiled upon, remembered while she was forgotten. I to sit alone and with naught but myself in my playpen while he was held, snuggled and fed. Spoken too and soothed, wanted.
I a discarded rag doll of a child.
Never to experience what all children need
And now it is too late, for I am grown
Grown
I married for all the wrong reasons, in a quest to fill this void.
To enter another void
As I flounder upon a new sea
Just as vast as my childhood one
Again to drown in not knowing
Holding
Belonging
Wantedness
Safety
Love
Rather to have my needs ignored
My wants laughed at
Longings belittled
Love withheld
Again
I wonder sometimes why it seems I am was so hard to love by the very humans whose purpose in life was to love me?
Was I flawed?
Was it something I did?
For all I can remember doing is loving them even in all of this.
Being willing to turn a blind eye and forgive if I would just be seen
Even, oh, just once.
One time to be safe in arms
To feel no fear in walking hand in hand
My heart free to love
Without being rejected
Or told my love was not wanted
What is it like to love as freely as I yearn to?
Love without fear of rejection?
Of loving too much?
I yearn to love here and now
To experience physically what I do spiritually
For the love of God of me encompasses and holds me so strongly
As my spirit rests in Him
But I seem to be failing at allowing His love to be my enough physically
I am lost upon the sea of my memories of memories I don’t have
Imploring my angels to hold me
Their feathers so soft upon my skin
That it be my holding
unto enough
now for then
now for now
elsewherebygrace 