I have been gone for so long, gone from writing, from sitting with me and letting the words escape, releasing me from then.
From all that is gone.
I found writing therapeutic, yet, find myself shying from it so often.
I think it’s fear.
Been a good bit of that of late.
Not a right in my face kind, no, more of a sneaking up on me one. I find that I have been feeling it without knowing that I have.
Yeah, that’s one of my big issues, naming emotions, I mean, it was best as a child to hide from them.
So, this fear… it’s more of a quiet uncertainty I carry around. I am not even sure fear is what it is. I just know that I am unsure of myself, afraid that I am wrong in my thoughts or actions. Or that if I am not wrong I may still be perceived wrong.
I wonder at times if I am good at things I think I am.
Like at choir practice, I couldn’t bring myself to sing out, so sure that I must sound awful, off-key, a nuisance to those who can hear me. Yet, I have been told, by the choir director, that I sing well. I mean she wouldn’t have asked me to join if she didn’t think so, so why do I doubt her and myself?
I was asked to apply to a position as a bookkeeper recently, and even though I took the test to show my qualifications, I still was so afraid to say yes. What if I can’t do that I thought? Yet, I have been doing just that for the last 5 years for my previous employer, and doing it well.
So I am asking God, to please fill me with His confidence. To remind myself that He has faith in me, so should I. Faith in the gifts and abilities He has gifted me with, faith that He will enable me and walk with me.
Faith that I am the me He wants me to be.