I have found my lost years in a new way lately, not a pleasant one either.
I am finding that I, “Have to learn.”
Learn like all children do. Things that seem natural to you are so not for me.
All grown up means sharing and putting others first, I am finding I feel quite selfish sometimes.
All grown up means I listen, not just to hear the words but to put them in practice.
All grown up meant acknowledging where I fail and changing that.
If I am grown up I will see that life isn’t all about me no matter how much I wish it was, also realizing that life is about more than me.
Finding my footing grown up is hard, painful and oh so sad sometimes.
It feels like part of me is just going away, the part that has loved me always.
Childhood vanishing, I suppose, is what I am feeling.
How I wish I had more of it sometimes… more all me attention, more take care of me, more don’t leave me please, kind.
Thing is at the same time I am so excited to be making friends and carving time out for myself.
I like knowing I am doing someone proud and choosing right,
I love feeling grown up and that maybe someday I will be all grown up inside… the kind that is brave and strong.
I don’t feel so brave sometimes these days or strong, rather it feels that I am straddling two worlds.
Teeter totting back and forth
Up with independence, down with loneliness
Up and down, up and down,
Scared to brave, Sure to doubtful,
But it’s ok
This playground sure is a lot safer than the one I used to live in,
Now I can experience all of these childhood passings while safe,
Accept that I feel forgotten but am not,
Know that scared isn’t something I have to be because no cruellness is behind the words and actions
Only love for me,
Rooted in kindness and graciousness, forgiveness
All the important things that ease the passage from childhood to grown up.
I have been childish some these last weeks, so childish
whinny and full of tantrums.
Thing is I can see it so that’s good.
I am at the top of the slide
and oh so ready
to go down.
I shall enjoy every moment of it
and by the grace of God
surrounded of the love of friends and family
I shall land on both my feet
Even if I fall down a bit I shall glory in the ability to get up
Falling down isn’t the end of the world that I thought it was
so…
Goodbye childhood,
I hold you dear now and that in of itself is more than I ever expected to land in my heart.
elsewherebygrace 