Something that so amazes me about emotions is this, how when I finally find the right one to go with what happened or is remembered it is so very powerful. An intensity like nothing else I have experienced.
In some ways this has made healing harder for how the hurt and pain consume me, the memories so vivid and all but alive.
But the trade-off? That is unbelievable. I am so amazed at the power of feeling God has equipped us with.
Ripple upon ripple upon ripple flows through me, like a tide increasing until wham, that emotion lands smack dab inside of me. I feel so strongly that at times I don’t know what to do, I am so sure I can’t take another ounce in.
Sunday was this way for me. Sunday I found a part of me that felt rejection to my core. I really think that was the first time I acknowledged this having been my life, claimed it beyond the words of it having happened to finding the feeling of having lived with it.
I didn’t handle it well either. No, I became all childishly stubborn. Hug me right now, sit with me not over there but beside me and hold my hand or else attitude all mine.
I was the one whamming and bamming about. Not caring who saw or what I looked like. Bawling and tantrumy is what I was. I to ignore others without one thought of how my choice would be for them.
I felt, and I felt oh so much.
Much more than seems humanely possible.
Yet who am I to say that.
Someone challenged me to let down my defenses and allow the Holy Spirit to fill this void, to love me. I am ashamed to say I chose to ignore this, to stay all wrapped up in my pity party through the rest of the day.
Wham, Bam, not the right choice Slam into me.
Served me right, wow, I never want to throw another tantrum again. It was so not worth the agony of heart I caused myself. The tears unending and the give me give me give me til it resounded through all of me.
Know what helped?
Looking away from me, stopping the pity party as focused away from me onto Christ. Letting the Holy Spirit fulfil His purpose in my life and letting go of it all.
It’s done anyhow so what does it gain me to stay there, nothing worthwhile. Bitterness and anger, jealousy and envy. A tearing down of all God has so lovingly built for me on this healing journey.
I am thankful for friends who saw me beyond this tantrum, who love me still and forgive and understand.
Personally I want to shake myself good and say what were you thinking?!
But I must learn to forgive myself as well on this journey, accept that I am human and make mistakes and leave the rest with Abba.
So I am.
I am going now to sit awhile at the feet of my Jesus, hold his hand and look upon His scars…
How mine pale in comparison.