How sleep evades me of late, night after night, I to wake in the wee hours, the Sandman having abandoned me. I lie there awhile, relaxing, not minding the night, embracing it. The light of the moon illuminates my room, a beam from heaven bathing me. I close my eyes and simply feel.
Every pore of my body to tingle, much as a sleeping foot does when waking up. I like this sensation. I used to not even be aware of the surface of my skin, I had learned young that it was easier to block the pain if it didn’t exist. Waking black and blue with no reason was gentler to my mind. Not feeling spared my heart, not seeing my vision, not hearing my memories.
Blank, that’s what I was.
A black hole unto myself.
Except with my Papa, God. He who shone His heavenly lights upon me in the cast out loneliness of my nights. How I would watch the clouds pass across the window of my tin home, imagine lying on the puffiness of them as the wind brushed my cheek, stroked my hair and the very heavens sung me a lullaby. It is ironic that the safest memories I have of my childhood are the ones of when I was put out in the trash to sleep.
Yet, is it so ironic?
Not really, not knowing my Abba the way I do.
He who loves me so much that He helped me find good in the sin of mankind committed against me.
As my loving father, to care for me against all odds.
I smile even now, much as I did in those days, wrapped of tin but kept in love and heavenly peace
So goes my nights, my dilemma tied to my abuse, those days to free me these days
The awakening to the cold I endured causes me to sink into the blissful warmth of my blanket snuggled tight.
Thus my dilemma…
I am awake and drawn to prayer, to simply sitting at the feet of my Jesus.
My body to struggle to sleep for it so longs to feel
To leave this earthly plane and sit with my heavenly family
Shall I sleep, shall I go home?
So I ask God to work His purpose in my wakefulness as I settle deep into my bedding, my body still, mind clear, heart open
No dilemma here, simply His leading
How He brings me near, I to sit oh so close as His robes billow about me, enfold me in peace and comfort, I am oh so safe here. We looked into each others eyes, a gaze of understanding, of the intimacy of knowing what the other is thinking without words spoken. For, round about flutters an endless legion of the heavenly host. The wind of their fluttering wings to fan the flames of love I have for my Papa. As we rise, it is to welcome Momma Mary, to complete that which was lost to me. The colors shoot abut, each star streaking by in brilliant array, all of heaven rejoicing, unbelievably, yet true, over me.