“Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.”
Walking in another’s footsteps…
Standing in the shadows…
Lost in the crowd…
Hidden while there.
This is me of late, I to feel like I am all of the above, while none are me . As if I am trapped behind a two-way mirror, interrogating myself. I think what it boils down to is being to big for my own britches.
Walking in my own footsteps, as I step into situations that I know I have experienced before on this side of healing, to find myself back on the other. I find fear raising its head once again in ways that control me. I dislike this trembling I feel with in.
Standing in the shadows of the victory I have experienced before, begging to find the light of it again.
Lost in the crowd of happenings that are triggers, much as a small child feels in a crowd of towering adults she doesn’t know.
There, here, yet feeling hidden once again in my then.
So I must step out of the footsteps of others, grab Abba, God’s hand and take my own steps as He guides.
He to lead me where no shadows exist, for He is the Light illuminating His path for me…
I ride upon His shoulders, lifted from then to see now…
The crowd lost to me rather than I to the crowd…
Found of God.
My journey into this foray of feelings of late are both here and there, thus I feel both. I am coming to understand the why of this part of the healing . I am not hidden when I feel I am, no, rather I am hiding. Rather than facing how I feel here I tend to retreat at times. For as a child, retreat was my defense. If I withdrew from the battle I could pretend it didn’t exist. Thing is, it did. Pretend is pretend, real is real, no matter how one wishes or convinces themselves otherwise.
So today, I look down as I step, to see the footprints I need to follow. I imagine it will be much as if I was to travel to the birth place of my Christ and trace His life from birth to sacrifice for me. My footprints could never fit the magnitude of His, so it is ok to feel smaller than the steps in this, my journey. I just need to rest in the assurance of His control of where we are going. Find the thankfulness that His plans are bigger than mine, I don’t have to fit, simply step forth in faith.
Faith to cause the first crack in the mirror, that the Light shine through. My path not a mystery to He Who leads as we go, this Savior of mine, Jesus Christ, knows the way and even darkness cannot prevail.
A ray of love that shatters the glass to reveal where I am now, in the presence of my true Father, home. Surrounded by a crowd, yes, but one where I belong. Doesn’t matter if I am walking among them small or tall. All are my family of God, here to help me, not to harm.
Safety to sweep away the shards remaining from then.
The root of my fear found, me. A fear of the steps of this journey that require me to face me. Times when I must look the lie of then in the face and feed it the now of truth. Then’s power is not existing now, unless I allow it. Then will not leave quietly or gently, but leave it will.
The love of God for me, for…
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” I John 4:18 (KJV)