JOURNEYING FROM i TO I

John 3:30 (KJV)
“He must increase, but I must decrease.”

kHow I am on a journey of sorts these days, one that is taking place within me. I am so shattered in ways unimaginable from my abuse. There are times even I find this brokenness to be more than I can fathom. It is like I just want to swipe and scatter all the pieces in my frustration, be done and simply allow the cracks my spirit carries. I am finding so much anger and weariness, like a residue of radiation left upon me. The atoms of the abuse endured exploding within me when actions and words now experienced literally ignite my heart of then.

These triggers, awaken me, the part of me that was brought forth to fight. My knight in shiny armor who is indifferent to the attack. She who stands tall imgresand confident, sword swinging wildly in defense. A part of me that I am proud of for having in that survival was her game. My strong warrior within, who deserves medal upon medal for the wars fought and won. Yes won, for though many battles left us lying flat on our backs, we survived.

So, today I wish to honor my Conquistador. I desire to share with you this story of a soldier who is journeying home. A travelling back to her childhood existence that was denied her, to find the peace and all that was meant to be…  that wasn’t then, is now.

Her name is i, a part of me denied in my abuse, the part of me being yielded to God these days that I be whole.

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How I see myself then at times, through the lens of this part of me, my Commander-in-Chief back then. i am beautiful in my fierceness to defend myself, so unaware of how small i am. i wore my fortitude as a blind fold to all endured. i carried the weight both literal and internally of the raping. I am proud of my strength. And I should be in one sense. i endured, i bore the pain and anguish, i survived despite it, i, i, i.

This is my downfall even while it is truth.

My i is my sin, that which stands between letting go of the anger that truly fed my survival. Yes, an anger that a had all right to feel, a loathing that was the bed of my abuse. As that child the depth of my horror endured was more than i could bear so this anger and indifference became my hiding ground.images

So i am journeying home to me, that the truth of i of then find the truth of I of now.

Healing is hard, this journey stealing from me as i travel. I am physically weary and worn. The thing is, it is the nature of healing, one must traverse from ill to well. Follow the doctors orders and care for one self.

So I desire to have happen, finally. For my Doctor God is showing all of me, us, this. i must yield the anger, cast it out for it really was never mine to claim. The hurt and pain, the weight remembered are but memories. Little tammy of 7 knew no different for she was made to bear it, but now I am all grown up… in so many ways.

So, dearest little me I invite you home. Come with me as we visit our Papa, God. He happens to be the Greatest Physician of all time among so many other things. Lets us together turn our backs on the past lies and enter the door of truth that is our Father’s Home. We have so much here.

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We belong to a Mama who is loving and smiles at us with her eyes even, her embrace ours whenever we need or want it, our Lord’s Mama shared. She always throws her arms wide when she sees us, draws us close and welcomes us. We have a brother Joseph who dotes on us, is on guard to keep us safe. Then there is our Jesus, our salvation. Our family of God.

jHand in hand, I see my past i and my present I coming together. Yielding the i of sin borne to the I of the cross now.

I thank God for His having shattered my shackles of then, for helping me to see i am innocent of my then. The sin was others and isn’t mine to claim. I can yield it, call forth the power of Christ’s sacrificial blood to cast it from me. He to be the judge some day of all lived against me. i do deserve a medal, He has told me, He is presenting me even now with it

I shall wear it proudly with a right heart now,

for i know I am my Father’s princess

She of the Purple Heart.          images

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