It seems of late that I am lost, right and wrong to either side of me as I wander in between. An emotional void full of confusion, one that causes me to stop and look both ways and wonder, how does the one bridge this gap?
Oh, I know the answer is Abba. I know He can make it all alright, but sometimes it just seems so difficult. How easy I find it to become lost, to feel as though I am turning round and round, afraid, alone, done.
I share this not because I despair, Papa keeps me from that. I just want to shatter the perception that my writing sometimes leaves with folks, that I am always positive, strong in the Lord. It is rather that God is sure for me, that in my lost times He never loses sight of me or His purpose. Even now, as the tears roll, I know, even as I don’t feel it, this truth, “Greater is He Who is in me, than he who is in the world.”
The world I see when Shadowland descends. For on my right is now, God… on my left, lies then, the abuse. It is so easy to feel that my then was simply Satan, his ground. That is a lie. Oh, I do not deny that he was there in all the dark, murkiness of my endured. What I cling to is this, he was there in the life of others who allowed him his ground. He was not, he is not, my ground.
This is the bridge thru the dark, the pathway that leads from one to the other. I was born right, I am right with my God, so this land I am feeling lost in is His as well. I am not lost, it is simply part of my healing path.
We all have to pass from one side to the other. Each of us will find this part of our journey unique for it is the wisps of our than that lie within, vapors upon the ground of our hearts. Stirred to rise by life lived now, a low-lying fog of missed outs and wants. The way out is simple, is words, difficult in living. Yet, not impossible for our Lord holds our hand. It doesn’t matter if we can’t feel it, it is His gift to us. His, I have been there, I know so I won’t let go, gift.
How as I stand in this between I feel confused. It is for me th little things, at least to most they are but common acts. To me? They hold misplaced fear that so feeds the confusion. It is as though not only do the shadow of my life reach in but they are reflected in mirror after mirror. Hands and arms over and over and over, reaching out.
I used to be stuck on the wrong side, to think love was only given in pain and using. That the more someone demanded of me, no matter the cost, then the more they cared. They needed me so they must love me. I shouldn’t matter for real love is when one sacrifices self, I became very good at that.
Then my healing began, I ready finally to accept what God had been waiting to give me, til I was ready. The right side of love.
I remember when my first counselor told me he would help me, me, who was such a mess. So many others to say I was too complex. He mentioned how my husband would play a key role, I to give a harsh laugh and say, “He won’t help or care.” I recall saying it without thinking it mattered. Course he loved me because he let me be so much for him, he allowed me to be his strength, to keep him first. I never saw me.
Thus the healing is harder sometimes. A simple truth that is anything but simple. One that could feed despair at even trying to move forward, one that has at times. Or, I can trust my Father, God. I told my counselor back then, that, “We need a plan B cause husband plan A was a no go.”
What God supplied was a plan “G,” Himself.
He to take on the role of my husband, since mine fled. He to be the one Who sat with me the long and lonely nights full of insomnia. How He washed me in His presence to teach me to want right. Lovingly held me in my tears, gathered them for they matter to Him. He has forgiven me all my failures on this journey, helping me to see I am someone. I am worthy to be loved right. One of the greatest gifts was to traverse back with me into my hell and show me how He was always there, I never alone.
So, now, we are in the Shadowland together. Doesn’t matter how it feels, it is truth. He is the lover of my soul who has done for me more than I could ever have foreseen.
My Shadowland scares me sometimes, the desires I have so strong. Simple ones that leave me aching, weary and worn. My challenge to stay in the truth of the present. You see, I want arms and hands. I want that gentle touch upon my check with a smile sent my way. I wonder how an arm drapped across my shoulder in friendship feels. To hold hands and walk along, feeling the safety of the others. Oh, to have my hair brushed back in love, to lean my head upon a shoulder and simply rest. This is where I become lost and confused. Times when I want to cling to a stuffed animal, ones with arms and hands to fulfill my want.
I do believe my Shadowland is better named, Experience. I want to experience what my abuse stole. My childhood abuse, my loveless marriage, my lost years.
The way out of this Shadowland is to stay in the here and now, to turn upon each creeping tendril and command it to withdraw. To speak aloud to Satan and his minions, “I am my God’s, you hold no ground here. I command you to leave in the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour, my Enough, unto more. Be Gone!”
I find this hard at times, it to come out more of a whimper, but the power does not lie in me, so it is irrelevant. No, the power is in the blood of Christ, so I leave the rest to Him.
Sometimes I fail, the shadows claim me but God strolls beside me, He the light and love of my heart. I cling to His hand, in love and safety, as He illuminates the way. We walk His path of love, each stepping stone a heart, pushing back the darkness, parting the shadows. When I allow His peace to settle, I find I am resting upon His shoulder, He to gently love me right…
Soon to be gone.